Paul Morgan tells what it means to be the Sacramento sex coach

Illustration By Paul Hoppe

A woman’s disheveled, auburn pubic mound welcomes you to the Web site of Paul Morgan, Sacramento sex coach. For those accustomed to air-brushed, Brazilian-waxed pinups, this is your first indication that sex coaching is, as Morgan insists, “not as salacious as it sounds.”

So what exactly do you do?

What I really teach is communication and helping people overcome their built-in cultural conditioning. In our society, girls are taught to be “nice girls,” and guys are taught that they’re taking something from women. So girls approach sex with a fear of being taken advantage of. Women need to provide their partners input: what feels good, what doesn’t feel good. Men get aroused quicker and climax sooner, whereas women need more foreplay. Getting in tune with each other’s timing makes sex much more satisfying.

For my part, a lot of it is talking to each person individually and then making suggestions to the other person. Women often think that “Nice girls don’t ask for this,” and husbands think, “My wife would never like that.” A lot of it is planting ideas.

What’s your demographic?

Thirty to 55 or 60. I don’t know if people under 30 don’t have problems, or if they don’t address their problems. Probably the latter.

Why this occupation?

It just sort of evolved from the concept of “Do what you enjoy and let it become a business.” I have a background in communication, and I’ve always been involved with helping people talk to each other.

What sort of training does it take to become a sex coach?

There really isn’t any formal training in this field. I don’t know that there was a tipping point for me, like one day I knew enough about sex, but you hear conversations with people and think, “God, there’s such an easy solution. There must be a way to facilitate this.” Often people can’t see the solution because they’re too close to the problem.

What’s the most common issue couples come to you with?

The biggest one is timing. It’s about engaging in enough foreplay to stimulate and satisfy a woman.

Do you work with same-sex couples?

I have talked with them, but I actually don’t really feel qualified to advise them on sexual issues. It’s a very different dynamic.

Any surprising trends in what people like and don’t like?

Well, this may not be surprising, but all men like oral, while women tend to be more reticent about that—both giving and receiving. Part of it is cultural; we’re taught that those parts of our bodies are dirty, you wash your hands after you touch those things, so to put those parts in your mouth seems wrong. I suggest to couples that they experiment a little bit in the bathtub. You can soap everything up, get it all nice and clean, and it eliminates some of that stigma. Those kinds of acts were illegal up until 30 years ago, and they still are in some states. So we’re still dealing with a lot of cultural repression, and that can create extremes, with people approaching sex as a user/usee relationship. That’s not a fair way to do any partnership.

Pornography is a really good example of this, with the facials and the flip-them-over-and-switch-to-anal type of things. I’ve never found a woman yet who said, “Oh, please give me a facial!” It’s made for a one-sided audience, primarily male. Let me put it this way: Porn is no more realistic than a Die Hard movie is a representation of being a policeman in New York.

What’s your general advice to anyone seeking a more fulfilling sex life?

Tell people what you like and what you don’t like, which truly applies to everything in a relationship.