Ten Fletch lines you don’t quote but should


It’s too easy to bemoan Chevy Chase’s post-SNL career. This guy pissed away Vacation and Caddyshack with Under the Rainbow, Spies Like Us, and Three Amigos! (And before you write in to suggest that those last two films are underrated masterpieces, remember this: You first saw them when you were 12, and when you were 12, you were stupid. If you still like them now, good luck getting laid.) Thankfully, Chase succeeded occasionally despite himself, and the be-all end-all of that dubious success is Fletch, finally re-released on DVD with extras, including cast and crew interviews. Rumor has it they conducted a séance with director Michael Ritchie.

It’s also too easy to quote Fletch. We’ve heard “It’s all ball bearings nowadays” enough, by God. So here are 10 suggested lines to help you change things up a little. Why? Because if you’ve read this far, you’re a fan, so a review is unnecessary. Remember, though, he’s Chevy Chase and you’re not, so try to contain your humdrum re-enactments.

1. “My kidneys feel a lot better in this position. Maybe it’s just that I’m not doing enough calisthenics.”

2. “It’s me, Dr. Rosenpenis.”

3. “They said he had a melanoma or a carcinoma, some kind of a noma.”

4. “Traffic was murder, you know. One of those manure spreaders jackknifed on the Santa Ana. Godawful mess. You should see my shoes.”

5. “Wash those windows. They’ve got filth and muck on them.”

6. “I’m with the mattress police. There are no tags on these mattresses.”

7. “If you shoot me, you’re liable to lose a lot of those humanitarian awards.”

8. “Thank God. The police.”

9. “Looks like you two have a lot to talk over. We’ll just catch the last 10 minutes of Dynasty.”

10. “Go ahead. Make my day.”