Shoot ’Em Up
A crack-shot gunslinger of glum disposition, solemn virtue and the nearly superhuman ability to defeat hundreds of armed attackers by blowing them away or stabbing them with carrots (Clive Owen), finds himself in possession of an orphaned newborn. Luckily, his favorite hooker (Monica Bellucci) happens to be lactating. Unluckily, the Elmer to Owen’s Bugs, a snarling arch-villain hammed into being by Paul Giamatti, wants to kill them all. The details—something about a desperately corrupt presidential hopeful’s cockamamie conspiracy—are approximately as mystifying as the reasons these actors took this script, which asks only that the two men alternate between shooting at each other and tediously explaining why they’re shooting at each other. It’s a movie whose body count is orders of magnitude higher than its IQ, but to writer-director Michael Davis, and his target demographic, that’ll probably sound like the best possible praise. Shoot ’Em Up is a well-titled movie—so far over the top that it’s gleefully under the bottom.