Sharpen your love arrow

A successfully executed Valentine’s Day requires the proper tools. I’m not talking about a heart-shaped chocolate box or a dozen red roses. Those belong in the Playskool version of a love tool belt.

These days, you need to bring out the big guns in order to woo your lover.

The first tool in your box o’ love should be a poem. It’s a classic and often forgotten Valentine’s staple. But if the only thing that comes to mind begins with “Roses are red,” you seriously need to hit up the Marathon of Love Poems on Friday, February 13. Twenty local poets will read poems of love, lust and heartbreak—take notes. (Full disclosure: SN&R associate arts editor Josh Fernandez will be reading some of his poems. So go listen to him, fool.)

The next tool you need is pizzazz. Whether it’s the vibrant saris or the red dots, nothing can deliver pizzazz quite like a Mega Bollywood Show featuring Bollywood songs and dances. If you’re more of a swinger (the dancing kind, silly), show off your Charleston at the SwingMasters Valentine Dance to authentic big-band music.

Finally, every wooer needs to turn up the heat. Luckily, the Sizzling Sirens Valentine’s Day Cabaret has the power to make you sizzle like a piece of bacon. Before the night is over, you and your Valentine will be practicing hip rolls to the music of the Harley White Jr. Orchestra.

After, all you’ll need is a “Do Not Disturb” sign.