Rated 2.0

Secretariat is another of Disney’s pigheadedly inspiring, demographic-slathering, sports-movie heartwarmers, and it’s just as clichéd and clueless as The Blind Side. Diane Lane does her best Joan Allen impersonation as Penny Chenery, the ballsy daughter of an ailing Virginia horse breeder. Penny takes over the business while the white men in her life grumble and disapprove, but she eventually shepherds her prize horse to the 1976 Triple Crown. Penny is supposed to be a creaseless model of stiff-upper-lip feminine power and indomitable brass, but as presented in director Randall Wallace’s deranged vision, she’s a wink and a nod away from being a horse fucker (she routinely retreats from family gatherings to nuzzle and confide in Secretariat). Wallace brings all the subtle grace you would expect from the writer of Pearl Harbor—dig that dance scene/horse bath set to the Staple Singers’ “I’ll Take You There”!