Sactopia’s Nine Commandments (yes, nine)

So, writing 10 commandments is hard. We don’t know how Moses and that burning bush did it. Anyway, Sactopia is so rad, it doesn’t need a full set. Here’s nine commandments for the new world order:

1. Thou shalt not worship false idols and ex-athletes. All-star point guard Kevin Johnson, college-baseball prospect Allen Warren and swollen body-builder Arnold Schwarzenegger believe physical success made them good leaders. At least Ronald Reagan knew he was playing pretend. The next mayor has to have asthma and terrible hand-eye coordination.

2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image of Walmart. Or any huge discount retail chain that underpays employees and drives out local businesses.

3. Thou shalt not juke stats. Official tallies of homeless people, underenrolled schools and gang members are massaged to fit budgetary priorities over the common good. Knock it off.

4. Remember the nightlife, to keep it holy. Sactopia is done with venues and food joints closing at 2 a.m. How are we supposed to get David Hasselhoff to tour here? The Hoff requires a 24-hour discotheque.

5. Thou shalt not kill—seriously. This includes prisoners, the mentally ill and that Bluetooth guy who bumped you without apologizing.

6. Thou shalt buy local. We kind of have to now that we’re on our own. Besides, farm-to-fork ventures and other sustainable-agriculture projects have gotten even yummier since the salmonella outbreak of ’13. (Oh, you haven’t heard of that yet? Wait.)

7. Thou shalt not use “Sac” to mean “Sacramento.” Enough already. We don’t live inside a testicle.

8. Thou shalt build up, not out. End the sprawl. The next Cordova Hills project has to build its subdivision vertically, not horizontally. Hope the upper class isn’t afraid of heights.

9. Thou shalt be more secure. Jeez, Sacramento, you’re pretty, OK? I just looked at San Francisco. Let it go.