Politically incorrect things we’d like to hear in Oscar acceptance speeches

And the people we’d like to hear them from

“Though I’d love to see an end to racism and terrorism eventually, I hope it doesn’t happen for a while, because I’d still like to win a few more Oscars.”
—Steven Spielberg

“All the research I did to play a victim of sexual harassment really prepared me to deal with Isaac Mizrahi on the way in here. It’s so great to be an inspirational role model to women all over the world who haven’t seen Aeon Flux yet.”
—Charlize Theron

“Hopefully all the method-acting research I’ve done on lispy gay writers will come in handy when I star in Sedaris next year.”
—Philip Seymour Hoffman

“Though I’m grateful to get an Oscar for playing the wife of a gay man, I think George Clooney’s beard in Syriana was much more convincing.”
—Michelle Williams

“It was rather difficult to learn to play a man who wants to be a woman, so I boned up on a lot of research material, like Boys Don’t Cry, The Rocky Horror Picture Show and highlights from Mike Piazza’s last season with the Mets.”
—Felicity Huffman

“It’s an honor to win the Best Makeup Oscar for Cinderella Man. It’s no easy task making Zellweger’s eyes look as if they’re actually open.”
—David Leroy Anderson

“OK, I’ll admit it. Even I can’t spell my last name.”
—Jake Gyllenhaal

“I don’t know why the Bush administration has a problem with Brokeback Mountain, because Dick Cheney obviously doesn’t seem to mind shooting a load into his friend’s face.”
—Heath Ledger

“I’m glad the Academy likes to honor actors who play drug-addicted musicians overcoming adversity, because I thought for sure I’d end up having to play a retarded guy to finally get one of these things.”
—Joaquin Phoenix

“And just a couple years ago, I thought Hustle & Flow were diarrhea symptoms! Anyway, I’d like to thank Denzel Washington and Halle Berry for breaking down the walls to make more pimp roles available to black actors.”
—Terrence Howard

“I really want to win an Oscar next year, so I’m planning on making a documentary about penguins in the Holocaust that eat a ton of McDonald’s food.”
—Michael Moore

“Fantastic! Stunning! Oscar-ific!”
—Mark S. Allen