Everyone deserves a little Oscar glory
Contrary to what most people say, maybe the Oscars just aren’t long enough. Maybe the Academy just hasn’t conjured up enough kinds of awards to give all the movies that deserve it a chance to shine. Here’s a few the telecast could stand to add, so that some of 2005’s “other” motion-picture professionals get their once-in-a-lifetime chance to be hurried off the stage as they try to thank their six agents.
For example, let us both broaden and clarify our understanding of Oscar-worthy achievements in performance. “Best Actress” and “Best Actor” are just too vague. Were we to add “Best Performance, in the Sense That It Really Did Make Us Hate You,” then Jodie Foster from Flightplan would have a chance to compete with the squeaky-voiced Frankie Muniz as a racing zebra in Racing Stripes and with whatever Jennifer Lopez was in this year. In another category, special-effects awards could now include “Best Suspension of Disbelief,” so that King Kong’s magical transportation from Skull Island to New York might have a chance to take on the whole of Transporter 2 and the billing of Bewitched as a “comedy.” It also seems proper to give writers and directors a chance to vie for more than just one or two awards. “Best Screenplay to Lose Tens of Millions of Dollars on” would provide Stealth, The Island and XXX: State of the Union a shared evening in the spotlight. “Best Direction Given What You Had to Work with” would allow Andrzej Bartkowiak (Doom) a gripping battle with Hideo Nakata (The Ring Two) and Scott Derrickson (The Exorcism of Emily Rose, which, curiously, he also co-wrote). Finally, what say we end the night with a special lifetime-achievement-style award, where Stay earns the honor of “Worst Ending We Will Ever See in Our Lifetime”?