No luck in love? Can’t find a hooker to take your money? Yearning to break out of your social rut and finally find a real girlfriend, but your low self-esteem and nervous ticks prevent you from attracting a mate? Well, if you’d settle for enough circumstantial evidence to convince your friends that you do have a girlfriend, then look no further! For a monthly fee, these girls will write you letters scented with their perfume, leave phone messages for your friends to accidentally overhear and otherwise enact the normal routines of a long-distance relationship—all with no real emotions involved. Before you laugh, think: How many dead-end relationships have you found yourself in, devoid of sex and emotions, now just a hollow shell of a lie? At least this way you know the price up front.