I’m gonna get you so laid-back

Just because the Secretions showed up unexpectedly at Luna’s last Saturday night, with Paul Filthy and Mickie Rat wielding only acoustic axes and Danny Secretion muting his kick drum with a fluffy pink towel, doesn’t mean they didn’t kick the requisite ass. Maybe to prove the point, they opened with “I’m Gonna Kick Your Daddy’s Ass.” Still, given the venue’s cozy, seasonal décor and constitutionally temperate vibe—it was a double bill with David Houston, for Christ’s sake—the punk trio’s venue-appropriate orchestration signified that for one night at least, these were to be kinder, gentler Secretions.

Warming up a crowd full of slyly fawning, photo-snapping teen proto-punks, Danny quipped that since the Secretions have grown so accustomed to riding the coattails of the Groovie Ghoulies, it might help to consider this his band’s version of the Ghoulies’ acoustic alter ego, the Haints. You might call them the Creters, he suggested.

Disclaimers out of the way, the set continued winningly. It allowed the unusual privilege of actually being able to make out the finer, funnier points of Secretions lyrics—be they the life-affirming allusions contained within “Boner,” the droll narrative reversals of “I’m Gonna Get You So Laid,” or what have you.

Also, the band had been afforded a political opportunity. It turned out they were in the running for KWOD’s Twisted Xmas Sounds of Sac contest, which, through an online election of sorts, will bestow on three local acts the privilege of playing at Arco Arena December 8—and sharing a stadium crowd with Papa Roach, Gnarls Barkley and My Chemical Romance.

“We’ve been nominated …” Danny began.

You nominated us!” Mickie interjected, in the interest of full disclosure.

“Hey, don’t tell everyone I’m a marketing whore!” Danny said. Last he’d checked, their contest standing was jeopardized by a cuter band and a goofier one (no names were specified; competition included the Brodys, the Snobs and the Secretions’ fellow ’06 Sammie winner Crazy Ballhead, among others), so Danny wasn’t above direct appeals for help getting his vote count up.

To explain why the Secretions deserved victory, he also shared their plan for celebrating it, which consisted mostly of screwing with not-emo-dammit New Jersey rockers My Chemical Romance. There were visions of MCR frontman Gerard Way, or a stand-in thereof, subjected to highly enthusiastic pantomimes of throat-slitting and sodomy from an enormous sex-toy-dispensing black-and-proud Santa Claus, cheered on by scantily clad reindeer (or women, clad as reindeer, but scantily) and, presumably, the whole Arco audience. Not bad.

At press time, Sounds of Sac voting had been closed but winners not yet announced. Whatever. Clearly, even as the Creters, these guys don’t need KWOD’s sanction to achieve giddy havoc. After all, they can always just rush the stage. “What are they going to do, ban us from Arco Arena?” Danny asked. “Oh, well, there goes our summer plans.”

It’s official: On December 8, the Secretions are coming to save Arco Arena. Or, as a grateful note on the band’s Myspace page puts it: “‘Arco MOTHER FUCKING Arena!!!!!!!!!’ Thanks to all the loyal Secretins who got out the vote, ’Emo has just been served its death sentence …’”