He’s making a list, and there’s nobody nice

Christmas bites: It’s the most wonderful time of the year, blah blah blah, and Bites would be remiss to not thank those who’ve made Sacramento a better place to live, or demonstrated love and compassion for those less fortunate than them, or—and this important—messed up so badly they wound up as fodder in this column. So without further adieu, Bites presents this year’s anxiously awaited SN&R Christmas wish list.

Barry Bonds: Whatever happened to better living through science? In light of the recently released Mitchell Report documenting widespread use of steroids in Major League Baseball, it’s apparently alive and well. Give Barry his due—and some asterisk remover.

Olivia Coehlo: Midtown’s indie retro thrift queen travels in fast company. Olipom, Bows and Arrows, Sellout/Buyout … how does she do it? A year’s subscription to SN&R should help keep her up to speed.

Lisa Heyamoto: Ah, where to begin? Ms. Heyamoto certainly is easier on the eyes than her predecessor, R.E. Graswich. She’s even easier on the mind, if that’s possible. With a gift copy of Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People, her horizons will be unlimited.

Edie Lambert: Is it just Bites, or is the fact that Lambert’s fiancé, Assemblyman Lloyd Levine, D-Van Nuys, offered her TV station, KCRA, an exclusive on his failed spay-neuter bill a little bit too cozy? Edie gets to snuggle up with a gift certificate from Happy Tails.

Paul Petrovich: More than any other individual, Sacramentans can thank developer Petrovich for the corporatization of their fair region. Where would we be without all those Starbucks, Rite Aids and Baskin Robbins? Paul earns the petrovichsucks.com domain name, which recently became available after one of his many “fans” allowed it to lapse.

McClatchy Co. CEO Gary Pruitt: Needless to say, Gary’s had quite a year, what with McClatchy’s stock price dropping more than 70 percent in 2007. Gary gets a faithful rendition of KITT, the 1982 Pontiac Trans Am driven by David Hasselhoff in the hit series Knight Rider, not to be confused with Knight Ridder, the purchase of which brought McClatchy to its knees.

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger: The nice thing about real-estate speculation is that while the market is booming, you rake in billions in property-tax revenue. The not so nice thing is that when the bubble pops, there goes the revenue. The state’s budget shortfall is currently estimated to be $14 billion and rising. For taking California exactly where he said he wouldn’t, Arnold earns a drab gray sweater.

Maria Shriver: Plastic hillbilly teeth. Anything but those capped over choppers.

Britney Spears: The aging pop princess is easy in more ways than one: panties, child care and an AA Big Book will get her back on the good foot.

Robbie Waters: Bites loves the longtime District 7 city councilman, just ’cause he’s so old school. But damn it, man, the next time you try to bill taxpayers for your home office, make sure it’s not in your hardware store! A brand spanking new Tuff Shed should help keep Robbie’s many lives separated.