Game plan for C-Webb

Now that all the hand-wringing and bleating on sports talk radio has subsided, we thought it was time to take a serious look at how our superstar can work his way back into our good graces.

Chris Webber’s agonizing second thoughts turned to 123 million thoughts as he became the second-highest paid player in the NBA. And he made the right decision. For him.

But what about all of us who are faced with the extremely high ticket prices needed to pay that salary? After the verbal slapping he gave Sacramento about boredom and lack of soul food, why should we forgive and forget?

We’ve taken it upon ourselves to lay out a plan that, while costly, will solve his public relations problems in Sacramento.

He should now open a soul food restaurant in Sac, preferably along the struggling K Street Mall. Call it Webber’s Kettle. The fanatics won’t care what the food tastes like—he could sell pig’s feet or pig’s lips, it wouldn’t matter. But it’s his opportunity to educate the farmers, show us what real soul food is. Estimated cost: $1 million. (Hey, it could become a chain and bring him millions more, so why not?)

Then Webber could help bring minority families to Granite Bay. Use some of those millions to set up interest-free mortgages (Chrissy-May loans?) and housing subsidies that will help transport some interesting, more diverse people to his exclusive neighborhood. The Maloofs will handle all the lawn maintenance for the folks. Estimated cost: $4 million.

Does Granite Bay have a quality blues, rap or jazz club? We don’t think so. Let’s call it the C-Note. Estimated cost: $1 million.

Webber could get very civic-minded and subsidize public transit in order to get people out to see him win a championship. There is no public transit now to ARCO Arena. The buses could have a giant Webber face painted on the side (maybe the Maloofs will volunteer to do the paint job?). Estimated cost: $2 million.

Try as we might we’re having a hard time putting a dent in that salary, so let’s take the next step in civic improvement: a new gym for Chris’ teammates. Webber should personally make the down payment for the new arena being proposed by the Mayor-Maloof team. This would help that sticky issue of a tax increase go down more smoothly. Estimated cost: $25 million.

Finally, he needs a new private jet to get away from this tiresome place. Estimated cost: $10 million. And he better get out of town before we spend all his money. The poor man is only left with NBA chump change: $80 million.