Bangers and smashed

Joey highly recommends Aurélia’s Oratorio at Berkeley Repertory Theatre.

I met a girl at a club and went home with her. I was drunk, but by the time we walked to her place, I started to sober up. I realized that I was not into her at all. I started banging her anyway, but pretended to pass out so I didn’t have to keep going, if you get what I’m saying. Anyway, she called me at work (I apparently told her where I work) and left a message inviting me out for drinks “to finish what I couldn’t do before,” she said. I didn’t call her back. She kept calling. So about two weeks later, I called her and said I started seeing someone I was really into. It was a lie. This stuff never bothered me in the past, but now the whole thing is bugging me, you know? What’s going on?

You mean that rumbling noise inside your head? It’s the sound of your conscience waking up. You knew that having sex with the bar babe was the wrong thing to do, but you did it anyway, and that’s why it’s bothering you. Here’s a sane script: You go to a club and have a drink or two but stay sober enough not to tell a complete stranger where you work or other details that put you and your career at risk. If you meet a woman you like and walk her home, then realize she’s not your type, stand on the sidewalk while she walks up to her front door, then wave goodbye. If you get wasted, then walk a woman home and start having sex with her, it’s OK to admit that you’re not really into it. If that’s the case, stop, apologize, put your clothes back on, walk out and call a cab.

The woman that you hooked up with believes sex is the way to a man’s heart. That’s only true, in most cases, if an emotional connection has already been established. But why lie to her about meeting someone who did capture your heart? The first time the bar babe called you, it would have been kinder to phone back and tell her that you had fun (or whatever description of the evening is accurate), but are not going to pursue a relationship with her. Say thank you and end the phone call. Simple.

One last thing, consider your experience to be an invitation out of being a manwhore and into becoming a gentleman. That’s right, honey, it’s time to grow up.

My boyfriend’s sister seems to resent me, because now that I’m in the picture, my boyfriend spends a lot less time with her. I’ve suggested that the three of us hang out, but she declines, often canceling at the last minute. My boyfriend says that she told their parents that I am stealing all of his time and energy. What should I do about this? My boyfriend and I are getting pretty serious. He says I shouldn’t worry about it.

He’s right. But it’s worth investigating why you refuse to believe him. If you are accustomed to love triangles, his sister’s proprietary behavior might seem scary, even dangerous. That means you would choose to fear that you are losing him, even if he reassures you otherwise. The real issue? You are probably delighted by, but also struggling with, closeness with your guy. By not following his advice to ignore his sister, you gain a distraction that keeps you from continuing toward deeper intimacy with him. Don’t be that girl! Accept that your boyfriend’s sister is having a fit and let her do it. But don’t try to make it about you, OK?

Meditation of the Week

“Making your mark on the world is hard. If it were easy, everybody would do it. But it’s not. It takes patience, it takes commitment, and it comes with plenty of failure along the way. The real test is not whether you avoid this failure, because you won’t. It’s whether you let it harden or shame you into inaction, or whether you learn from it; whether you choose to persevere,” according to President Barack Obama. To what are you committed?