Osama bin Laden is deader than a freakin’ doornail

Dead as he ever was: He’s back! For the first time in three years, “terrorist mastermind” Osama bin Laden has appeared in a video, calling for a “caravan of martyrs” to continue the assault on freedom, democracy and our way of life, just in time for the sixth anniversary of 9/11. There’s only one problem: Unless a miracle of biblical proportions has occurred, the video is a fake, because bin Laden is deader than a freakin’ doornail.

Rumors of bin Laden’s death have circulated since December 2001, when some believe he was killed in the battle at Tora Bora. Others insist he died of kidney failure, hepatitis C or diphtheria sometime during the past three years. As noted on CNN, in Time magazine and other mainstream media outlets, U.S. intelligence sources can’t confirm that bin Laden did, in fact, succumb to any one of his alleged illnesses.

As not noted in any of the above media, U.S. intelligence sources can’t confirm he’s alive, either. Bites is inclined to go with longtime neoconservative Middle East warmonger Michael Ledeen on this one. Ledeen, citing Iranian intelligence sources, declared bin Laden dead in a January 2006 National Review Online column. If anybody knows where the bodies are buried, it’s Ledeen, the suspected co-author of the Nigerian yellow-cake forgeries used to justify the invasion of Iraq.

Fear itself: Of course, most neocons, not to mention nearly the entire U.S. political establishment, prefer bin Laden alive. Like Emmanuel Goldstein in George Orwell‘s 1984, bin Laden is a useful fiction, a chimera to be deployed any time our demented leaders wish to whip up a frenzy. As Justin Raimondo notes on antiwar.com, even if bin Laden is still alive, he’ll most likely never be captured, at least by us:

“Having diverted our resources and attention away from the hunt for bin Laden, and instead concentrated on conquering Iraq, it’s almost as if the last thing our government wants is for bin Laden and his top lieutenants to be caught. They are too useful right where they are, scaring the beejesus out of the American public.”

Pants on fire: How many more years will politicians exploit 9/11? “Maria and I extend our continued prayers to the victims’ families as they honor their loved ones on this sixth anniversary,” says Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger on this year’s anniversary. “We also extend our deepest gratitude to those serving in the line of duty who risk their lives every day to protect the citizens of this great state.”

Protect the citizens of this great state from what? Iraq, which never posed a threat in the first place? Every time Bites thinks Schwarzenegger couldn’t possibly get his head farther up his own ass, he wedges it in a little deeper.

If only he were alone in this regard. Every single candidate for the 2008 presidential election, Democrat and Republican, spouts the same sort of bullshit, with the sole exceptions of Democrat Dennis Kucinich and Republican Ron Paul, who have been consigned to the margins by the mainstream media, despite their strong showings in the debates held so far.

Nope, Washington’s faithful stenographers are in on it, too. Check out Tim Dickinson, who occupies the National Affairs Desk for Rolling Stone magazine, a position once held by the late Hunter S. Thompson. He calls MoveOn.org‘s ad referring to General David Petraeus as General “Betray Us” for whitewashing his report on the progress of the surge in Iraq “as despicable as Dick Cheney questioning the patriotism of those Americans who want us to redeploy from Iraq.”

There’s a difference. Cheney and Petraeus are documented serial prevaricators. If lying about the progress of a war that’s killing thousands of our young men and women and hundreds of thousands of Iraqis isn’t unpatriotic, what is? Thompson is rolling in his grave.