Biblical radio ads

Gee, it just hit me the other day that it's literally been months since there's been an incident where a cop went haywire and killed a guy armed with a straw or a kid wearing a SpongeBob mask. How very nice!

Has America turned some kind of corner? Or am I just not paying proper attention?

I hear this all the time when I dare to listen to local radio—small businesses pounding away at listeners with their phone numbers. If you're a business owner, and you're doing this in your ads, you're blowing it. Think about it. When was the last time you were driving around town and you wrote down somebody's phone number?

The reality of advertising is that the listener is lucky to take away one thing from your precious 30/60 seconds. So if that's the case, don't waste time pounding your phone number. That number is just toodling off into the ionosphere. Use this time instead to pound your name, assuming your name is supported by your website. Then, if you're lucky, the shopper will remember your name when he needs a hose, look up Flaming Dinosaur Garden Hoses, and then get your phone number.

Yes, I'm of the opinion that whatever your biz is, whether it's tires, teeth whiteners, or garden gnomes, you should use the name Flaming Dinosaur. It'll work. Trust me. People remember that kind of crazy shit.

Kentucky heterosexual warrior queen Kim Davis is the latest American to find out that the 21st century is not gonna be a picnic for people who actually want to live by the Old Testament. And so it goes.

I mean, Leviticus can't compete with Twitticus. Deuteronomy got mugged by Astronomy. Hosea became a play-uh. Ezra bought a Tesla. And Good Ole Job, man, he's out lookin' for a job.

Speaking of things Biblical, I would nominate that one for Trump's most baldfaced lie. You know, when he tells the folks that his favorite book is the Bible. I don't believe him for a nano-second when he coughs that one up.

And then there's Ben Carson, who appeared on Meet the Press and said, “I would not advocate that we put a Muslim in charge of this nation. I absolutely would not agree with that.”

So how many people do you think share Carson's opinion? How many of us would not vote for a Muslim for president? I guessed 50-70 percent. As it turns out, I'm a bit off and a bit bleak. We aren't, apparently, as Islamaphobic as I reckoned. According to a Gallup poll from four months ago, 38 percent of Americans would not vote for a Muslim candidate. The only candidates who would have a tougher time in a presidential race are atheists and socialists, with 40 percent and 50 percent negative (numbers respectively).