Transformers: Age of Extinction

Rated 1.0

For starters, this damn movie is nearly three hours long, and there is no reason for a single tick past the 90-minute mark. Had director Michael Bay just knocked it off with his slo-mo shots, he probably could’ve shaved a half hour. Had he gotten rid of all the inane lines the characters mutter in this donkey shit, he could’ve brought the whole thing in at 30 minutes. Replacing Shia LaBeouf as the franchise’s leading man is Mark Wahlberg. He plays Cade Yeager, a crazy robot inventor living on a farm with his smoking-hot daughter, Tessa (Nicola Peltz). Soon after buying a beat-up truck hiding out in an abandoned movie theater, Cade discovers it’s actually Autobot leader Optimus Prime. He nurses the robot thing back to health, much to the chagrin of Tessa, who trolls about pouting in impossibly tight denim shorts and high heels. The real Autobots eventually will face off against the fake Autobots, and we’ll see ads for Chevy cars, beer, China, denim-ass porn and Texas along the incredibly long way. The Transformers themselves look cool, especially when they transform. That’s about all of the nice stuff I can say. Cinemark 14 and Paradise Cinema 7. Rated PG-13