Nut smackin’ good!

I got your spare change right here with
Riding my bike is one of my personal joys in life. I like going fast and hitting corners in such a way that I’m going sideways and defying or at least challenging gravity. The route out Fifth Street to River Road is my favorite, despite the torrid passage through the sewage treatment zone. I practice holding my breath, a skill that comes in handy from time to time. But last summer I found after a 10-mile jaunt that a tap to the testes caused me to utter these two words, “Uh Oh!” The old sac-a-potatoes was less than unresponsive; the boys were downright stunned. This haunted me till last week at Pullins Cyclery, where I saw bicycle seats that boasted, “Reduces genital numbness.” I never knew that there was such a condition. I mean, in NJ calling people “numb nuts” is a common occurrence, but I thought I had really damaged the goods with my pedaling. Now I just duct tape everything to my stomach. Oops, stepped over the line again, didn’t I?

Speaking of such, for all you Sopranos fans out there. We’re doing it live on stage at The Senator Theatre this weekend and next. Yup, Tony, Carmel, Sylvio, Janice, Jr., Adriana, Chris, Dr. Jen, etc., will be portrayed by local actors in a late-night feature that will make you laugh till your nipples hurt. And if it doesn’t, well, you might not know your nipples from your nuts. Face it, humor that won’t be in Readers’ Digest is really the best medicine. Richard Pryor, Red Foxx, George Carlin, Ellen DeGeneres, Robin Williams—these folks are not PG, and yet they make us laugh. The Sopranos is a show that takes America’s infatuation with violence and sex and drugs and reflects it back in a very clever way. The Zonepranos, on the other hand, takes it all to the most absurd level possible. If the Marx Brothers were alive today, they would have a hard time topping the zaniness of this late-night cast. Check it out!

Anyone who’s read my columns over the years knows that I have a deep respect for the cops. I am very grateful that, when things get too friggin’ weird, I have someone to call who can take care of business. But what happened to our downtown? We’ve turned into a little Berkeley without the culture, diversity or political awareness. The downtown park is a drug den of underage kids. What ever happened to the bike cops? Is the whole cop budget now blown on Halloween? And if there are no bike cops, then who got to keep those cool Mountain Goat bikes! Maybe we need to get the Zonepranos involved!!