Janice and Barack

Intercepting the president’s letter

Since Janice has been ignoring it, I’ve been trying to deal with her email and other correspondence, answering friends’ queries and unsubscribing from all the solicitations she attracts.

I’ve discovered that she and Barack Obama—yes, that one—have been carrying on a correspondence behind my back or maybe around the corner. A few days ago I intercepted a letter from him addressed to Janice Porter. The first line read, “Four years ago, you and I began a journey together.” What?!

Four years ago was 2008, a fairly momentous year for Janice and me, and apparently for Barack, too. His letter went on, “We didn’t run, and you did not work your heart out, just to win an election.” Here he’s talking through his hat, because Janice didn’t work her heart out for anybody’s election. I happen to be in a position to know that that didn’t happen, and even if I weren’t, I’d bet against the working-her-heart-out scenario, because I don’t think Janice has ever worked her heart for anybody but Porters, except our oldest, Jai, whose last name is Henry. As for working her heart out for an election, forget about it.

Barack writes, “We came together to reclaim the basic bargain that built the middle class and the most prosperous nation on earth.” I don’t think Barack and Janice came together at all, certainly not to reclaim any “basic bargain” that had anything to do with “the most prosperous nation on earth,” by which I suppose he means the United States. I think that the way to get to be the most prosperous nation on Earth is to be the greediest nation on Earth, and Janice doesn’t care a whit about any of that.

Barack wrote, “This election is about our economic future.” Here he’s full of it, as usual, because the election is not about only our economic future. For some of us, the election is about why the only way Barack or the other running capitalist think of ordinary people making a living is in terms of jobs—working for somebody else. Nobody running for office has any ideas about helping us get by other than somehow encouraging corporations—with money, of course—to hire more wage slaves to help the corporations make a profit.

For some of us the election is also about whistle-blowing and medical cannabis and ubiquitous surveillance and habeas corpus and a right to a speedy trial and government goons and peaceful assembly and wars for profit and super PACs and much more, none of which Barack cares about. Next to Romney, Obama seems like an honorable man, but seeming goes nowhere with Janice, especially since he only wanted her money anyway.