I’m a nice guy

Just ask my goons

You’ve probably seen me around the neighborhood. I’m a nice guy. Ask anybody reputable. And be nice to my people. I’ll treat them any way I can get away with, but you be nice.

I like money. I do other stuff, but first and foremost I’m about my economy. I have a lot of money, and I want more. If you’ve got some money I will take it from you if I can. I will buy some of your people and give your teenagers weapons to thin you out, and whoever’s left will give me money, believe me.

If I need your money, then you keeping your money is contrary to my interest, and I have a right to your money if I need it. I’ll have my brave goons kill you, because I have a right to defend my interests everywhere, and my interests are whatever I say they are. Remember that. Nice furniture, too.

That’s if I want only your money. If I want your land, or something I think is in your land, you’ll have to move. Nice yard you got there. Love the lavender.

By the way, you may have heard that just because I didn’t like the way that man over there did things, I blockaded his whole lot, garage, chicken coop, and everything—no food, no mail, no garbage pickup, no nothing, that they could all just die. That’s true. Remember that, too.

My people seldom leave. Most of them know only what I tell them, so there they stay, in straight lines. Variations are against the rules, and rule breaking is good for the punishment people, so it’s win-win. Criminal justice—great branding.

A guy out by the airport had the lushest lemon trees around, and mine didn’t get through that last frost, so I pretended he had threatened me, and I sent 100 goons to secure his trees, like something might happen to them otherwise, and goons just happen to be outrageously expensive and terrific for the economy. Win-win. The trees are fine, and my courageous goons killed the guy who used to live there. They also blew up the garage and ripped out the wiring and peed in all the rooms. Then my people get to clean up on the clean-up, so win-win again. Your place is very tidy. That’s OK, too.

I have intrepid goons stationed around the neighborhood, and now I see that having more would enhance my sense of security, because I am scared to death of absolutely everything on your behalf. Ah, what the hell, more goons can only help. I feel better already. This is such a nice neighborhood, so safe. I’m the neighborhood watch.