America still thinking about kicking Taliban’s ass
Handlers of President Bush say that the commander-n-chief is sequestered at Camp David awaiting polls to see “if it’s time to kick ass yet.”

In a candid moment, White House spokesperson Airy Fleischmann said, “This waiting sucks … but with all our stupid ‘allies’ condemning it, and what with even our own citizens—commie academics like that guy in California—questioning our right to revenge [George Wright’s CN&R essay was among the top-read articles on, a listing of alternative newspapers on the net], we have to wait. Maybe have a few more beers.”

Fleischmann asked U.S citizens to watch more file footage of orphaned family members from the Sept. 11 attack, which can still be found ’round the clock on television—and ask themselves, “Wouldn’t those heroes want to see a bloodbath of evil-doing terrorist scum by now?”

He also said there was still a good chance crop dusters could be used to poison us all with a new, super-strain of toxic gas that doesn’t have a name yet. Terrorists, he said, could also be a huge threat were aliens to land on earth and forge a war pact with fundamentalist Muslims.

Meanwhile Bush, happy with his recent performance on a Teenbeat crossword puzzle, is said to have set his sights on beating his old man’s high score on the Wizard of War video game in the Camp David presidential arcade room.

Television news reports define grief
After a grueling summer of local tragedies and our recent nationwide catastrophe, local news stations are still running reports on the grieving process—what it’s like, how we can learn more about feeling misery and explaining it properly to our loved ones.

“I thought I was the only one,” said Paradise resident Erma Barnes. “But then the TV told me everyone was suffering and that it was OK. I’m so happy now that I finally know the parameters of my soul.”

Besides handy tips on explaining the nature of evil to your children, these reports shed new light on the evolution of human consciousness through grief.

As the startling reports show, serious trauma can make certain people actually feel worse; and the old saying that time heals all wounds may have a certain kernel of truth. Reports also show that support groups have risen for comedians lamenting the “death of irony,”

“I’m so glad I’ve been able to share my pain,” said one former manic depressive. “Every time I turn on the TV.”

Weekly props
1. Support SB 380 (Single moms’ right to educate themselves on welfare)
2. Junior Brown at Sierra Nevada Big Room (10/22)
3. The Derailers at Mr. Lucky
4. Barry Bonds
5. The Moldy Peaches