Will you marry us?
I was having dinner with a good friend and her husband. As usual, I was telling stories about the lack of decent men to date. My friend and her husband kept exchanging looks. “We would like to offer you everything you could ever want in a relationship,” my friend’s husband said. I thought they had someone they wanted to introduce me to, and asked, “Who is he?” “Me,” my friend’s husband said. They said they decided to explore “tribal marriage,” which they described as two wives and one husband. I was embarrassed. I have zero attraction to my friend’s husband. I fled. My friend keeps calling. I haven’t responded. I don’t think the friendship will survive this. What do I say to her?
Keep it simple, sweetie! If you’re not game for their notion of a game-changer, say: “Thanks, but no thanks.” Shake off worries that something about you inspired the idea you’re into man-sharing. Consider instead that your friends have been listening to you complain about a legit problem—the men you date aren’t commitment-ready—and they brainstormed a solution: Marry us! Rather than feeling insulted, laugh. Relax into the sweetness of being desired. Then put this behind you. Keep searching for another heart to nest with. And, no, you don’t have to continue the friendship. But do understand you were asked a simple question and your mind transformed it into a complex problem. That’s not bad or good—just worth noticing. Ask yourself whether this thinking pattern serves who you are, and want to be.
I have bipolar disorder that’s under control. When dating a woman I like, when do I bring this up?
When your intuition nudges you to reveal health information. Discover that moment by paying attention to how emotional intimacy unfolds on a date. Healthy emotional intimacy doesn’t flow too fast or too slow. It should feel just right. Hey, you don’t owe anyone details on a first date. You do owe yourself the awareness that it’s helpful to share health information with people we trust. The keyword is trust. When others know us well, they can support us. Do you know your date well enough to trust she will be supportive of what you need to do to maintain your health?
If you confide in someone and they avoid further contact, don’t take it personally. It’s not a rejection of you. It’s an honest admission of their own limitations. Not everyone can be in relationship with you—or with any of us. But the right person will say yes. Hell, yes.
How do I deal with an ex-friend who posts things on Snapchat that seem to be about me but I’m not really sure? She is someone I thought would be my girlfriend but it didn’t work out. I told her I needed to end contact because it was too painful. Should I just ask her if she’s mad at me?
No, you should delete her from your Snapchat. Keep your eyes on people and things that bring you joy. Reading her posts stirs your paranoia. Who needs that? Pour your storytelling talents into creative writing or another worthwhile activity.