What kind of drunk are you?
Sexed up or sad? Aggro or bro? Take SN&R’s quiz to find out just how you (drunkenly) roll.
Since time immemorial, alcohol has been the source of some of man’s strokes of genius and saddest tales of failure. But for most of the Western world, booze is just a tool for letting our true colors show. Some of us are out to get some tail. Others have so many feelings. And then there are those who, deep down, are nothing more than silent, sweaty pizza zombies looking for the perfect Netflix show to spill the night’s last drink to. So, what kind of drunk are you? Grab a bottle, find a pen and take this quiz to find out.
1. The itemized bill from your last night out includes:
A. Three Jägerbombs, two Red Bull vodkas and four stitches on your forehead from that broken beer bottle.
B. Four bourbons and $25 worth of Willie Nelson on the jukebox.
C. Twenty light beers and 10 shots of tequila (with salt and lime).
D. Oh, shit. I left my tab open at the bar.
E. Four Coronas and eight of whatever the ladies were having.
2. Your favorite drinking game is:
B. To drink every time someone says “love” in Love, Actually.
C. Flip cup.
D. You think drinking is some kind of game?
E. “Fuck the dealer” is not what I was hoping it’d be.
3. The last text you sent:
A. Involved calling your friend a “little bitch.”
B. Was to your mother.
C. Rallying the troops for karaoke.
D. You’d tell if your screen wasn’t shattered.
E. “Hey, U up?”
4. Your karaoke go-to is:
A. “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morissette.
B. “One Sweet Day” by Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men.
C. “Livin’ on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi.
D. “Born in the USA” by Bruce Springsteen.
E. “Back to the Hotel” by N2Deep.
5. Someone is hitting on your significant other across the bar. You:
A. Crack some skulls.
B. Crumble to tears at any sign of him/her reciprocating interest.
C. Know almost everyone here, so it’s probably fine.
D. Cause a scene, then realize that you’re not in a relationship.
6. Your ideal Friday night involves:
A. The clubs.
B. Someplace quiet, where you can reflect.
C. Literally any place serving drinks.
D. Something cheap and really close to home.
E. Wherever the single college kids are going.
7. Complete this sentence: “_____ makes me _____”:
A. “Whiskey,” “aggressive.”
B. “Gin,” “so sorry for every time I may have hurt a friend.”
C. “Vodka,” “dance on the bar.”
D. “Absinthe,” “______.”
E. “Tequila,” “naked.”
8. The worst thing you’ve ever done at 4:30 a.m. is:
A. Nursed a boxer’s fracture in central booking.
B. Called her, or him.
C. Switched from beer pong to champong.
D. Fell down on the way home and streaked blood all over the front door while trying to open it.
E. Paid for sex.If you answered mostly:
A: You are an aggro drunk!
Maybe you’ve got a lot of pent-up anger, or maybe you just like a good fight every now and again. We’re not here to judge (that’s the superior court judge’s job). All we ask is that you don’t kill the messenger on this one, because the messenger’s saying that you get pretty crazy after a few pints. Lay off the whiskey a bit. Maybe switch to wine, or even weed. We’d hate to see you facing battery charges, bro.
B. You are a weepy drunk!
There’s at least one of you in every group. After about your third round of cocktails, you commence to exploring the depths of your emotions: “Everyone here is so great.” “My father and I never got along.” “This song reminds me of my dead dog!” We get it. You have a lot of feelings. But maybe the rest of us want to forget about our problems for a bit, so maybe, you know, live in the moment. Life can be pretty OK, sometimes. Especially when you’re out having drinks.
C. You are a “Woo!” drunk!
Oh, God. Not again. You’re here. No offense—you’re just … a lot to deal with sometimes. When there’s a huge party or crazy night out in the works, we can usually assume that you’re behind it. And that’s great. But keep in mind that not all of us go from zero to “let’s shotgun all the Busch!” as soon as 5 p.m. Friday rolls around. Look, we don’t even really want you to change. Just stop forcing us to take beer bongs, and we can all enjoy the evening in our own way, OK? All right, fine. We’ll do one.
D. You are a blackout drunk!
We’re not sure how to say this, but we think you might have a problem. Yes, the rest of us got pretty hammered last night, but we didn’t get kicked out of every pub in a 10-block radius, and we didn’t wake up in an alley spooning a stuffed puffin. (Where did you even find that thing?) Listen, we’re not judging you, either. We just care. How many cellphones can one person go through in a month? How many chunks must be blown before you decide you need to recalibrate your habits? Pull yourself together for a moment, and maybe we’ll see you next Friday.
E. You are a hornball drunk!
Could you please keep your pants on for just one minute? Believe it or not, there’s a lot more to life than a good lay. Like friends, for instance. We’re all out here trying to catch up, to have a nice time, and there you go scheming on the next hottie to walk in the door. Here’s a challenge: Don’t shower tonight before you meet us at the pub. Maybe that’ll pull you out of the chase for a couple of hours.