Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

Rated 1.0

Eddie Murphy was an Oscar front-runner for Dreamgirls before commercials started showing for Norbit, convincing Hollywood that Murphy was still committed to producing juvenile dreck (as though Dreamgirls wasn’t proof enough). Did the impending release of Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, starring Michael Sheen as the bloodthirsty superwerewolf Lucian, kill his bid to snag a nod for Frost/Nixon? In this ugly, Monster Squad-meets-Spartacus prequel, Lucian breaks the bonds of the crazy-eyed vampire king Viktor (Bill Nighy) to lead his people to freedom. Director Patrick Tatopoulos takes over for the original Underworld creator/irredeemable hack Len Wiseman, and although the movie is crazy unwatchable, it did introduce me to one of the weirdest sexual positions I’ve ever seen: girl on top, dude halfway hanging off a cliff.