Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck’s benumbed The Tourist has the languorous bloat of one of those unwatchable international co-productions from the 1960’s, sort of a Topkapi on Oxycontin. It’s a remake of a French action film set in Italy, starring American actors and directed by a German making her Hollywood debut—perhaps something got lost in the translations? Johnny Depp stars as an American schoolteacher vacationing in Europe who gets accosted on a train by Angelina Jolie. Before you can say “best vacation ever,” Depp’s character is mistaken for a wanted criminal, chased by Belarusian thugs, thrown in a Venice jail, and embroiled in an unusually dull government conspiracy. Jolie and Depp stressed their easygoing friendship throughout the film’s press junket, but none of that shows up on-screen. They appear to barely tolerate each other, even when their characters are supposed to be falling in love.