The solution to your resolution

SN&R staff undermines your resolve with a pinch of reality

Resolutions are lies with which we prop up our self esteem, and when our plans for “self betterment” collapse, they take our self worth with them. We’re not doing that in 2015. We’d like to offer something different, something more realistic. Here are some anti-resolutions, statements set against notions of good behavior, all without the pressurized panic of a mandate. Ignore at your leisure.

Keep (emotionally) fit

Learn to love your blubbery body, because self-love handles are better than diet-related hate hankerings.

No boots on the ground

Value empathy when talking about poverty or those in any kind of need, lest you forget that you can’t pull yourself up by your bootstraps when you can’t afford boots.

Appreciate some damn good coffee

Watch that sixth-straight episode of Twin Peaks, because that will enrich your soul more than your shaky resolution to learn Spanish by May.

Fly the freak flag

Spend more time creating beautiful art that other people confuse for hideous garbage.

Ditch the Golden Rule

Stop doing things that you think people will like and instead simply ask people what they like.

Mindful self indulgence

Waste more time on walks to the ice cream shop and on baths with wine.

Engage in small thinking

Continue to support the underground and the oppressed instead of the powers that be.

Stop being your own PR agent

Turn off the photo filters, put down the phone and actually live the fun you’re having.

Bad meditation still works

Make peace with your monkey mind. That manic little chump is only looking out for you. Why not offer it a banana now and then?

Eat more bread

So what if your IBS is constantly acting up? Gluten makes everything better. Hold your nose, forget those around you and start cramming those pizza bagels into your face hole once again.

Fail at your own pace

Take growth seriously enough to realize that stacking demands on yourself all at once ensures failure in each attempt.