The right to bear oars

Victoria Van Duzer is an American River College student

On July 4, according to news reports, several dozen people at Goethe Park were swinging oars at one another and fighting. Injuries ensued, with one victim sent to UC Davis Medical Center with head trauma.

Oar fights. Drunken, patriotic oar fights.

In celebration of this country’s 230th year of existence, we celebrate our freedom by wielding oars at our fellow countryman’s skull. I close my eyes and visualize the slow-motion rage: the crimson burned outlines of “wife-beater” T-shirts contrasted on pale torsos; American-flag bikini tops jiggling on skanky-orange bodies; and the slow overhand swing of a river oar honing in on its beer-soaked, toothy target.

I try to be sympathetic and blame it on the sun, the alcohol, the spirit and the general excitement and rowdiness associated with the particular holiday.

Here’s the thing, though. The sunscreen for my car windshield has a label that warns, “Remove screen before driving vehicle.” The customers at my place of business argue with me that because they live in Merced, they don’t have to pay the statewide sales tax of 7.75 percent. When asked a question about President Roosevelt, a friend of mine queried, “Which one? Teddy or Theodore?” My point, or rather question, is this: Are people just stupid? And why is society so tolerant of stupidity?

In the case of river riots involving oars as weapons, I wonder why there should be police intervention. In fact, instead of breaking up the combat, I propose large nets dropped from aircraft. Nets that would confine the oar-wielding brutes with others like them.

I try to be a good Christian girl, but seriously: Natural selection, beyotches. If ya’ll want to oar each other to death, then so be it.

Are parachute-style nets the key to preventing future generations of drunken oar-wielding breeders? I don’t know, but I doubt this is what the forefathers had in mind while writing out the standards for these United States.

Should the Second Amendment guarantee the right to bear oars? I think not.