The rest of the story

And where was the L.A. Times? Arnold Schwarzenegger was lining up so many endorsements in the final days of the recall election—from feisty Republican John McCain to Sacramento County District Attorney Jan Scully—that the press was clearly not able to keep up. Still, there was one Schwarzenegger endorsement whose complete absence from the mainstream media only shows how unfair and unbalanced our secular, liberal and otherwise ideologically rigid press has become. Bites is referring, of course, to the fact that, just days before the election, the future governor-elect was endorsed by none other than Jesus Christ.

Although the announcement came too late for inclusion in SN&R’s pre-election issue, we cannot help but speculate as to the bias of the many daily print, TV and radio outlets who refused to cover the story. These so-called “journalists” were too busy groping for dirt on Arnold (which, as the governor-elect informed us all the day after election, is “old news”) to pick up on breaking developments as channeled through speaker Gerald A. Polley and his Embassy of the Kingdom of God (

“Jesus is now putting His full effort on persuading swing voters to vote Davis out and vote Arnold in,” explained Polley in an urgent e-mail to California media just days before the election. “To get more power for this effort, The Kingdom Of God is temporarily shutting down the anti-gay effort in Canada Monday and Tuesday, to put everything They have into California. …This is going to be an all out effort. Nothing will be held back! They will even be drawing the life energy from every Democrat that supports Davis and will vote for him, to empower Their efforts to get others to vote Davis out and Arnold in!”

Polley says Jesus supported Arnold for four reasons: He’s basically honest, opposes homosexual marriage, supports Israel and has fought Nazis since childhood. “The attack against him on this issue is totally ludicrous. Jesus’ admiration of Arnold has not decreased one bit! If anything, it has increased as he has handled the filth thrown against him.”

Likewise, Polley dismisses the groping charges as attacking “a decent man who might have been a little bit aggressive, but who would never have actually done anything against a woman’s will.” (Let us state once again that Bites agrees with all responsible media that such allegations are, in fact, “old news,” and that even though Arnold promised during prime time that a full explanation of what is and isn’t true would be given after the election, partisan press attempts to hold him to that are transparent and irresponsible.)

Jesus was also annoyed, according to Polley’s prophesies, with the lack of response to “His efforts to persuade state Senator McClintock to withdraw and support Arnold,” so much so that it now appears the other Republican candidate’s afterlife is in real jeopardy. More frightening still is what would have happened to California had Davis not been recalled. In that case, Polley says Christ would “reestablish the Los Angeles dead zone, stripping all spiritual power from that area” and also “establish two more spiritual dead zones in California, besides, covering almost the entire state, and denying all of God’s power to most of it!”

This is the fate we narrowly escaped, and no thanks to the media. Happily, Polley can now return to other endeavors, including his wife’s channeling John Lennon’s songs from the afterlife.

Bee stings: Bites was once again shaken out of its smug complacency after reading The Sacramento Bee’s recent editorial “No biolab, no victory: West Coast remains vulnerable.” The editorial blamed “vocal and well-organized opponents” of the lab for compromising our national security. While that argument is debatable, the Bee does have a point when it bemoans the fact that University of California, Davis, officials “spent untold hours, immeasurable political capital and nearly $800,000” in the failed lab effort. Why, for that same amount of money, incoming California State University, Sacramento, president Alexander Gonzalez could have redecorated his office not just once, but three times.