Bites looks back

Bites caves in: After a great deal of soul-searching, Bites has decided to withdraw as a write-in candidate for governor of California. Contrary to some rumors circulating in the press, this decision was not influenced by supposed threats received from Robert Anton Wilson and his upwardly mobile ostriches, nor does it have anything to do with alleged “favors” offered by Mary Carey. Rather, this very painful decision (cue tears) has everything to do with getting back to what Bites always has been and always will be about: snarky commentary from a columnist (columnists?) too chicken-shit to sign his/her/its/their own name(s). So, as our shared recall journey comes to an end, this is the perfect moment to spend a column looking back over some of the hard-fought battles and important victories that have made this campaign something in which all of us—loyal readers and your ever-faithful Bites—can take great pride.

Bee logo recalled: Frankly, we were shocked and a little bit awed by the news that, for once, our beloved local daily apparently has taken Bites’ advice to heart. No, it didn’t get rid of Dan Weintraub, but The Sacramento Bee finally did ditch its recall logo, that one with the red check next to the word “recall” that could be interpreted as a subtle endorsement to vote for the recall (see “Back to the garden,” SN&R Bites, August 21). The switch to a more unquestionably nonpartisan recall icon without the check mark took place in mid-September. Oddly enough, having seen it seemingly hundreds of times throughout the course of the campaign, Bites was beginning to grow a bit fond of that cute little logo and was almost sorry to see it go. Fortunately, at last week’s debate, we saw a number of Recall Gray Davis T-shirts sporting virtual facsimiles of the Bee’s abandoned logo, so all is not lost.

You oughtta know: If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then SN&R should be blushing with pride. Following our recent cover on her husband (“Arnold uncut,” subtitled “30 things you should know about the man who would be governor”; SN&R Cover; September 4), NBC correspondent Maria Shriver has made the idea her own. Schwarzenegger’s better half is now giving a stump speech called “Ten things you should know about Arnold.” Some might find it strange that Arnold’s wife finds him only a third as fascinating as the editors of SN&R do. Then again, she’s known him longer.

Bush winner revealed: Forget the recall, let’s get to the question that’s really on everyone’s minds: Who, you ask, will be the winner of the Bush Bites flight-doll contest (see “View from the pit,” SN&R Bites, August 14)? The competition, you’ll all remember, involved writing in and telling us what you would do with your own George W. Bush Elite Force Aviator doll. Bites received dozens of creative, imaginative and frankly disturbing entries, but there can only be one grand-prize winner. And the George W. Bush action figure goes to … Sacramento’s Susan Price! Price says she would “'historically land’ a force of Bush aviator dolls on the White House lawn—one doll for each American soldier killed in Iraq since Bush declared the war over and engineered his aircraft-carrier photo op.” Susan, your anatomically correct Bush doll has been preordered from the fine folks at KB Toys, who are promising delivery on or before December 24. As for the other entries, they included a surprising number of cheap shots at our commander in chief’s masculinity, which, in Bites’ opinion, is entirely uncalled for. Nevertheless, we will be forwarding all those entries to the Department of Homeland Security (DHS). And, though it may not be as exciting as a visit from Ed McMahon—who knows?—maybe the DHS prize van will show up at your door with a surprise vacation package.