The naked-yoga monologues

Here are some more of my favorite performances from thoroughly unwatchable movies. None of these performances should be construed as “good” acting, but rather as uniquely interesting within a worthless piece of crap.

Vincent Gallo, The Brown Bunny: I’ve vowed to kick Gallo square in the balls just for making this excruciating onanism-fest, but his lead performance is unusually compelling. That said, he’s still got a kick in the balls coming.

Robert Blake and Robert Loggia, Lost Highway: The worst David Lynch film by a mile, but these two veteran character actors sink their teeth into Lynch’s self-infatuated script.

Jemaine Clement, Gentlemen Broncos: However laugh-free the rest of Napoleon Dynamite director Jared Hess’ sci-fi geek nightmare remains, Flight of the Conchords star Clement does singular work as the pretentious plagiarizer Chavalier.

Chris Kattan, Monkeybone: In between The Nightmare Before Christmas and Coraline, Henry Selick produced this irredeemable and unfunny live-action comedy; meanwhile, Kattan was performing irredeemable and unfunny comedy weekly on Saturday Night Live. Ironically, Kattan’s slapstick cameo as a newly dead yet extremely animated jogger provides the only mirth in Monkeybone.

Richard Boone, The Night of the Following Day: Even though Marlon Brando spent most of his post-Godfather career stealing scenes in terrible movies, he is routinely upstaged by co-star Boone in Hubert Cornfield’s soporific kidnapping drama. Brando spouts hippie jive and mugs wanly while Boone commands as a sadistic thug.

Jennifer Lopez, Gigli: I recently compared Gigli to pig anus, but Lopez is relatively blameless (at least in comparison to Ben Affleck), and actually quite decent given the toilet-ready script. I’m not just saying this because Lopez recites a lengthy monologue while performing yoga nearly naked, for all you know.