The naked-yoga monologues

Jen to Ben: “IOU one knee in the testicles.”

Jen to Ben: “IOU one knee in the testicles.”

Here are some more of my favorite performances from thoroughly unwatchable movies. None of these performances should be construed as “good” acting, but rather as uniquely interesting within a worthless piece of crap.

Vincent Gallo, The Brown Bunny: I’ve vowed to kick Gallo square in the balls just for making this excruciating onanism-fest, but his lead performance is unusually compelling. That said, he’s still got a kick in the balls coming.

Robert Blake and Robert Loggia, Lost Highway: The worst David Lynch film by a mile, but these two veteran character actors sink their teeth into Lynch’s self-infatuated script.

Jemaine Clement, Gentlemen Broncos: However laugh-free the rest of Napoleon Dynamite director Jared Hess’ sci-fi geek nightmare remains, Flight of the Conchords star Clement does singular work as the pretentious plagiarizer Chavalier.

Chris Kattan, Monkeybone: In between The Nightmare Before Christmas and Coraline, Henry Selick produced this irredeemable and unfunny live-action comedy; meanwhile, Kattan was performing irredeemable and unfunny comedy weekly on Saturday Night Live. Ironically, Kattan’s slapstick cameo as a newly dead yet extremely animated jogger provides the only mirth in Monkeybone.

Richard Boone, The Night of the Following Day: Even though Marlon Brando spent most of his post-Godfather career stealing scenes in terrible movies, he is routinely upstaged by co-star Boone in Hubert Cornfield’s soporific kidnapping drama. Brando spouts hippie jive and mugs wanly while Boone commands as a sadistic thug.

Jennifer Lopez, Gigli: I recently compared Gigli to pig anus, but Lopez is relatively blameless (at least in comparison to Ben Affleck), and actually quite decent given the toilet-ready script. I’m not just saying this because Lopez recites a lengthy monologue while performing yoga nearly naked, for all you know.