My movie nightmares

Crutchy = the Rapture.

Crutchy = the Rapture.

These are my movie nightmares. Pray to God none of them ever come true.

The Godsons (2012) D: Francis Ford Coppola. Shia LeBeouf, Robert Pattinson, Daniel Radcliffe, Zac Efron, Katy Perry, Amanda Bynes, David Arquette, Sofia Coppola, Jackie Chan. Patently unnecessary prequel to The Godfather follows the teenage high jinks of young Mikey Corleone (LeBeouf), and his brothers Sonny (Pattinson) and Freddy (Radcliffe). While attending a snooty private academy with his pal Tommy Hagen (Efron), Michael plots to take the virginity of prissy schoolgirl Kay Adams (Bynes)—if the uptight dean (Arquette) doesn’t expel him first! Pop siren Katy Perry makes her film debut as Connie, introducing the hit song “Offer U Can’t Refuse (A Blow Job).” Jackie Chan plays himself.

Medgar? I Hardly Knew Her! (2012) D: Erik White. Eddie Griffin, Mike Epps, Nia Long, Tom “Tiny” Lister, Cole Hauser, Jackie Chan. Thoroughly misguided attempt by Lottery Ticket director White and executive producer Ice Cube to marry hood comedies and historical dramas. This biopic of Medgar Evers (Griffin) portrays the slain civil-rights leader as a skirt-chasing, weed-smoking con man bumbling into trouble with his wife (Long), neighborhood bully Martin Luther King Jr. (Lister) and his eventual assassin (Hauser). T-Pain’s opening credits cover of “Only a Pawn in Their Game” is just one of many lowlights. Jackie Chan plays himself.

Crutchy (2012) D: Kenny Ortega. Marty Belafsky, Max Casella, David Moscow, Jackie Chan. Twenty years after Newsies tanked, director Ortega (High School Musical) reunited the original cast (minus Christian Bale) for this atrocious musical about Crutchy (Belafsky), an irritating newsboy who walks with a crutch, yet seems fine whenever he’s really happy. Bale called the finished product “a f***ing disgrace, you stupid ***hole,” and we’re forced to agree, although he didn’t need to be such a dick. Jackie Chan plays himself.