The college Republican brother
Satirical, political gift ideas.
It’s the same problem each and every year: What to give the Alex P. Keaton of your family—the extreme-right, GOP-voting, Milton Friedman-reading younger brother—for the holidays. Your first instinct, of course, is to give the poor fruitcake a do-it-yourself lobotomy kit. But, sadly, that sort of shock and awe probably won’t fly with the parents.
Needless to say, you’ve never had much luck with dear brother over the years. Last holiday season, you went to United State in Midtown and hooked bro up with a “Drop Beats Not Bombs” T-shirt ($25, www.UnitedStateOnline.com). Eight months later, he re-gifted it on your birthday. Then, a couple years back, you got bro a 12-month subscription to SN&R ($39, www.NewsReview.com). All 52 issues were returned-to-sender.
This holiday season, you weren’t even going to bother. 2008’s an election year, so why play nice with baby bro when there’s a battle on the horizon, right? Unfortunately, your mom drew his name for you out of a witches hat on Halloween, so you’re stuck in the same ol’ quagmire: What does a bleeding-heart liberal buy for a right-wing conservative?
Well, actually, the options are endless … once you submit your heart, mind and Mastercard.
Obvious gift ideas can be found at the Blackwater USA shop. Why wear U.S. military gear when you can sport a slick Blackwater cap ($12, www.BlackwaterUSA.com); why uphold the law when you can be above it? And nothing says “innocent civilian” like a Blackwater onesie ($18) for the youngun.
If forking over your cash to Blackwater is too difficult to reconcile, consider lesser evils … like the Boston Red Sox or the Maloof brothers. Boston hurler Curt Schilling shilled for Bush 43 when the Sox won the Series in ’04, so his replica jersey ($100, shop.MLB.com) has cred aplenty. And in Sac, everyone knows that King Spencer Hawes has God as his co-pilot and Dubya on his car bumper, so the rookie’s NBA jersey ($54, www.Kings.com) is GOP legit. Nobody’s at Kings games, so the Maloofs need the extra cheddar.
But if that’s too grassroots for your Reep, maybe a Fox Sports NFL Robot—you know, that one on Sunday football—will do the trick ($20, www.FoxSports.com). Nothing says red state like Peyton Manning and corporate media. Of course, he’s too old for toys, so maybe the classic “I only sleep with Republicans” T-shirt ($18, www.CafePress.com) will get him laid with aspiring Ann Coulters.
Nothing, however, beats a gift the whole family can enjoy, so giving the original dysfunctional-functional family surely is the right call. You can get Family Ties seasons on DVD ($33 each, www.Amazon.com), then watch as the normal relatives argue over the hotter Bateman while lil’ bro cops Michael J. Fox’s trickle-down era, GOP style.
Then again, how much was that lobotomy kit?