The Big Lewinsky
Poor, poor pitiful me—hugs and cuddles to the first reader who correctly identifies that gubernatorial reference! Meanwhile, your favorite big, beautiful sweetheart has been hella lonely, what with the big guy out of the state basking in the sunshine with Florida Gov. Charlie Crist, answering the casting call for the only role befitting the world’s all-time greatest action hero: Savior of the planet, from those very same rays that lend his skin that glowing, golden hue! Master of the universe and all things ironic, I await your bidding!
Meanwhile, readers have done their best to satisfy a lonely lady’s needs in the exulted one’s absence, and let schnookums be the first to inform you that your letters have been a godsend, second only to the discount rack at Goldie’s. The first shout-out goes to John Capece of LaBelle, Fla., who’s been keeping a close eye on the guv during his visit, going so far as to even provide video clips of Arnie in action with noted environmentalist Robert F. Kennedy Jr., buttressing Sacramento’s claim to the title of new Camelot like mamma’s DD underwire wünderbra.
Letter-writer Thor strikes a more concerned tone. “From your article,” Thor scribbles, “I can deduce that you promote stalking public figures?” The short answer, Thor, is yes, absolutely. But such activities are not recommended for the faint of heart.
To wit, I once recall tailing the Schwarzenegger motorcade to a local gym. As his security detail scanned the premises for potential lunatics, clouds of blue smoke rolled out the windows of the guv’s black SUV. Knowing my paramour’s love of cigars, I readied myself behind a hedge. Sure enough, as muscles exited the vehicle, he tossed a 6-inch long stogie, its tip glistening with bodily fluids, into the gutter.
I fairly leaped into the gutter, reaching the stogie at precisely the same time as a CHP officer. For a brief moment, we played a game of tug-of-war over the butt. However, my charms are not unsubstantial. “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar,” I said, batting my innocent, baby-blue eyes. “This is not one of those times.”
Needless to say, mamma was not lonely that night.