Blame it on Rio

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OK, so just because I happened to catch Arnold slurping mussels at Lucca one night, I get a column, right? Follow dudemar around town, the editor instructs, keep your eyes peeled, your ears open, your skirt on (right!) and report back to us. A choice assignment for this particular damsel in distress, if I do say so myself!

And distress I am in, thanks to that witch (as a femme fatale, I refuse to use the b-word!) Debra J. Saunders at the San Francisco Chronicle. “Healthy plan, but expanding waistline,” she headlined last Sunday’s column on Arnie’s proposal to provide health insurance to every Californian. Ditzy Debbie frets that his badassness will have to raise taxes on the rich to pay for the plan, which adds fat to an already over-bloated budget.

That skinny-ass hosebag!

This pleasantly plump potential pumpenfluffer begs to differ. Fat is the new thin! Ever see a picture of the now boney Maria Shriver in her early Arnie-courting days? Let’s just say studmeister wasn’t kidding when, in one of his first starring roles, Carnival in Rio with Arnold Schwarzenegger, he declared his favorite body part to be the big fat juicy ahhhssszzz.

That’s right, fat and juicy, kinda like the budget will be after we’re done providing health care to everybody in the state and their cousins in Tijuana, too. But that’s OK, because fat is the new thin. It’s bound to catch on, just like Arnie’s bound to tire of frail Maria.

That’s OK, too, ’cause I’ve got something fat and juicy waiting for him.

Come to mutter, honey.