Tell me about the war, padre

A priest, a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar … and immediately launch into a spirited discussion about the ongoing conflict that began with the 2003 U.S.-led invasion of Iraq, under the pretense the oil-rich country was developing weapons of mass destruction that posed a threat to us, our allies and our interests—a point driven home during a George W. Bush State of the Union address during which he intimated that Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein was busily trying to arm himself with nukes to somehow lob at us, thus necessitating, under Bush’s post 9/11 reasoning, a pre-emptive “shock and awe” campaign that turned out to be far more shocking and awing than necessary, considering the amount of damage done that remains undone and the little matter of there not actually being any weapons of mass destruction, which did not matter, the post-invasion Bush reasoning went, because the real cause for going to war was to liberate the Iraqis, who became so liberated that they began killing one another over somesuch and U.S. troops for liberating them so dag gum well (hoorah!), which gets to the real cause for going to war, under the post-plummeting popularity poll Bush reasoning, which is to fight the terrorists there instead of here, so they don’t follow us home, which really does not amount to a hill of hummus when the spiritual discussion at hand is what the hell is one to tell his/her parishioners about this uck-fupped war. The answer, according to many priests/ministers/rabbis/imams/groovy gurus who pulled us up from our regular drool pool at a now awfully crowded corner bar, is “nothing,” as they do not believe a conversation about the war is part of their spiritual mandate but is instead an individual matter, which makes one wonder why the hell God Squaders open their big, fat pious pieholes about abortion, gay marriage, contraception or any of the other personal issues that cause their big, fat pious pieholes to open with such ease.

Now excuse me, the left side of my face has a pressing engagement with a sticky barroom floor.