Hot child in the new city
Hey, giblets and greasers: welcome to our annual Summer Guide, Summer Guide, Sum-Sum-Summer Guide. Former childhood readers who are younger than me and older than my spawn—ages 23, 20 and 18 going on 34—will no doubt appreciate the format. It’s based on the Choose Your Own Adventure series that was apparently bigger than Transformers to the more cerebral Gen-Xers. Or so I’ve been constantly assured the many times I’ve asked what the hell is a Choose Your Own Adventure series.
By the by, this marks my first official edition of the SN&R as editor, top dog, El Jefe de Queso.
To be perfectly honest, when the idea for my first official edition of SN&R as editor was first described to me, it sounded like so much alterna-oh-dear-god-we’re-soooo-outta-solid-ideas crapola. But being an SN&R newbie—and being acutely aware that our plucky little award-winning staff had too much invested into the project to turn back now—I made a high-level assessment. Despite the deep misgivings I am sharing for the first time now, I made the bold executive decision to make like a discarded Big Gulp cup floating down the mighty Sacramenty.
I went with it.
But then a funny thing happened on the way to the Reader’s Forum: Damn if this format-busting experiment—executed and slaved over by Mastah Blastah R.V. Scheide—didn’t turn out to be a truly ripping read.
What I cherish most about the Summer Guide gripped in your bony mitts is what it has taught me about my now-fellow Sacramentans (soon available in Cool Ranch!). Of course, I’m referring to your assorted sexual peccadilloes.
Cow Town? More like Plough Town! They should call this place Sexramento. Is that a Capitol dome in your pocket or are you our governor?
All I can say about that is you folks should be ashamed of yourselves, that you folks disgust me, that you folks are sick-sick-sick! Away, I say. Chop-chop!
Um, but before you go, can you pass the lube?