Sex & Love
Best place to pick up a cheap date and/or an STD
Sadly, here’s yet another case of Craigslist, the popular “community-based” Web site, usurping territory once held by the newspaper industry; in this case, the adult services offered in the back of alternative newsweeklies. You want high-class, come see us. Our erotic-service providers actually pay for their ads. But if you need it cheap and dirty, well, it’s time to embrace the ‘List. Don’t forget the rubber sheets. Log on at http://sacramento.craigslist.org. Scroll down the second column to “services.” Click on “erotic.” Don’t say we didn’t warn you. http://sacramento.craigslist.org.
Best example of the new urban puritanism
The burning of The Experience motel
The Experience, West Sacramento’s colorful and notorious “adult motel,” had long been a throwback. With leopard-spot wallpaper and mirrors on the ceiling, vibrating beds and free nonstop hardcore skin flicks piped into each room, the place was a tribute to 1970s-style debauchery and sexual liberation. Or maybe just 1970s-style porn. Either way, it was drastically out of sync with the new West Sacramento—the squeaky clean, gentrified West Sacramento of upscale shopping and new urbanism. So back in April, when it came time for The Experience to go, the townspeople didn’t just close the place down. They burned it. Like a witch.
The West Sacramento Fire Department figured it would be a good training exercise. So they filled the purple pleasure palace with hay and wooden pallets, then tossed in flares to ignite the building. Once the flames were doused, city leaders had made one helluva point, and West Sacramento was left a helluva lot less sexy.
Best local aphrodisiac
The first rainstorm of the year
It’s been an unusually dry summer, with the sort of brutal consequences Californians loathe—fire and smoke. So when the first good rainstorm arrives this fall, take full advantage of its rejuvenating properties. Take a walk hand in hand with your lover during the first few plopping drops, rinsing away the last of summer. As the life- and green-giving rain drenches the parched ground, settles the dust on streets and pools in large quantity around the drains we forgot to clear out, cuddle up next to a window with the one you love. Listen to the rhythmic thrum and hush of the water that makes Sacramento—and all of the Delta—such a magical, wild place to live. Reflect on how a relationship pulses, flows and rushes like water through your lives. Don’t be surprised if something kindles somewhere besides the fireplace.
Best place for a public breakup
Public transportation is the best place for a public breakup for several legitimate reasons: First, dumping someone on a bus or a light-rail car allows the breaker-upper to make a clean getaway, leaving their former flame on the transit while they make a quick split at the next stop. Second, you may make fellow passengers very happy. Who doesn’t love free entertainment? Lastly, if anything bad goes down, there will be witnesses. (916) 321-2877, www.sacrt.com.
Best place to buy a sex toy
Kiss N Tell
Kiss N Tell is a sex shop that never makes you feel uncomfortable. The store’s layout is open, with sections for books, DVDs, lingerie, toys, condoms and lubricants, and novelty items. The condoms and lubricants are right up front for anyone in a hurry, and there’s a large selection of novelty items to the right for bachelorette parties and whatnot. They’ve got a small collection of erotic books and plenty of DVDs for all desires and fetishes. The most private area of the store is the toy section, which has everything you could possibly imagine playing with—and some toys you could even see leaving your partner for. 4201 Sunrise Boulevard, Suite G, Fair Oaks; (916) 966-5477; 2401 Arden Way, (916) 920-5477; www.kissntellstore.com.
BREAKIN’ THE LAW
County Code Section 9.50.030: No dildo rental
This one is a head scratcher: County code section 9.50.030 makes it illegal for “any person to knowingly rent, lease, hire or offer for temporary use any device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs.” So, you can buy and sell sex toys, but you can’t rent them. There are probably all sorts of good, hygienic reasons for this rule, but really, who asked? How did this even come up? County documents prepared at the time this rule was being considered (in 2007) refer only to some mysterious “inquiries to the Business Licensing Division.” Don’t worry though. There are still online companies, similar to Netflix, that can meet all your, um, temporary needs.
Best reason for an ‘Oh hell no!’ option on California’s General Election ballot
Of 2008’s many new and long-overdue breakthroughs on the political front— the first woman to win a presidential primary election, the first African-American to win a major party’s nomination (and potentially the presidency)—perhaps none is more important than California’s recent evolution. The Supreme Court of California eliminated an abhorrent discrimination still written into law, and California joined Massachusetts as the second state to allow gay marriage. Shortly thereafter, the inevitable backlash commenced and Proposition Hate—er, 8—was born, with the intent to return bigotry to the law books. Oh no, they didn’t! This November, let’s hit the polls in record numbers to show that California will not tolerate a step backwards, that we support the right to love and marry whomever we wish.
Best way to find a keeper
For an adventurous first date (and an easy compatibilty test), consider movie hopping. Choose a large movie theater with a wide selection, such as Century 16 on Greenback Lane or Regal Natomas Marketplace 16. Pick at least one movie you plan on actually sitting through, then find out the times it’s playing and the length of the film. Bring along a jacket or hat to put on or take off between films for a quick disguise. After viewing the movie you wanted to see, drag your date into whatever you consider to be the worst movie currently playing. Time how long it takes him or her to walk out—bonus points if he or she refuses to watch any of it whatsoever.
Best place to find a mate while pulling a muscle
Fleet Feet Sports
The downfalls of meeting someone in a bar are abundant. Who knows what kind of beast you’ll wake up with after a night of mojitos? You don’t want to meet anyone in church, because, you know, you’ll have to go to church. Here’s a dating secret: strenuous physical activity. Through Fleet Feet’s training programs, you can prepare for a race with a group of people who have something in common: suffering! You’ll be pushed to your physical limit, but that’s just what love is. All kinds of people take part in its programs, so someone will catch your eye. Visit the Fleet Feet Web site to see which races you can train for. It’s your first step in the sprint to romance. 2311 J Street, (916) 442-3338, www.fleetfeetsacramento.com.
Best wedding spot
Sacramento County clerk/recorder’s office
Frankly, we can’t imagine a better place to get married than the Sacramento County clerk/recorder’s office downtown. The folks there surpass the mere efficiency of most civil servants, reaching to add even more joy to already joyful occasions. If you’ve decided to forgo the typical $15,000 to $20,000 wedding budget and use the money for something else (like the mortgage), the office has a lovely “wedding room” that can accommodate up to 20 guests easily. It includes a flower-bedecked bower which shows up well in photographs. Most important is the respectful, loving and gentle ceremony. It incorporates just the right traditional language, along with a good dose of loving common sense, to make any wedding memorable. And it costs a whole $31. Hooray for public servants! 600 Eighth Street, (916) 874-6334, www.ccr.saccounty.net.
Best way to show your sensitivity, then score
Poetry Unplugged at Luna’s Café & Juice Bar
You can’t just walk up to a girl and recite poetry. She’ll punch you in the face and call the cops. Art Luna, the sly fox, set up a cafe so sensitive people can hit on each other under the ruse of poetic appreciation. Every Thursday, lusty seekers of loinal activity convene to share their verse and make sexy eyes at one another during Joe Montoya’s Poetry Unplugged. You can too, if you’re willing to get on stage and read your well-crafted lines over some beverages and a romantic dinner. If your poems are good enough, all you have to do is sit back and wait for the sexual advances. You’ll feel like a thong-clad David Hasselhoff on a German beach. 1414 16th Street, (916) 441-3931, www.lunascafe.com.
Best surprise for your lover
Sizzling Sirens Burlesque Fusion Dance Classes
Here’s the plan: Secretly attend the Sizzling Sirens Burlesque Fusion Dance Classes where you can learn sultry, sassy and theatrical striptease choreography. Then go to the store to buy some naughty lingerie, set a romantic ambience at home and let your inner Dita Von Teese out for your significant other. Your lover will be so excited—especially if you can take the “tease” out of the striptease for your home show. Classes are Saturdays from 1 to 2 p.m. through October 25. Reservations required. The Press Club, 2030 P Street; www.sizzlingsirensburlesque.com.