Sex and the suspicious mind

I’m haunted by fears of my boyfriend being unfaithful to me with another man. Although I have been in love with him for years, my fears remain. I am afraid that he is a homosexual, or that he has a lot of temporary affairs. I know that I have issues of security but I also feel that many of my intuitions, though not specifically right, do indicate that he is doing something I’m uncomfortable with. I don’t want to control him, I just want to get clear about the nature of his sexuality and mine so that I feel secure within myself. What is your perspective?

“Outlook hazy,” says my Magic 8 Ball. Here’s why: I think you’re operating on fear, not intuition. Intuition is an experience of reality without projection. Intuition is simply a quiet realization of knowledge that descends into us spontaneously, inspiring heightened self-awareness. The presence of an emotional charge, like fear, usually means we are operating out of a fight or flight capacity. So it seems more appropriate for you to say, “Many of my fears, though not specifically right — “ That’s the way fear serves us. It kindly alerts us to our own discomfort or possible danger, but it lacks the specific feel or sense of completion that accompanies intuition. As a result, our ego-minds operate at hyperspeed trying to justify our fears, however irrational, because we want to be right. Ah, how we love to be right! And busy!

Although you can’t be certain about your boyfriend’s sex life until you ask him, it’s clear that you are doing something that you are uncomfortable with: torturing yourself with thoughts. If you have allowed ambiguous fears to absorb you, then it seems natural that those fears would be projected into worries about whether his sexuality or commitment to you is ambiguous. Have you avoided asking him directly because you’re not sure you want the answer?

Talk to yourself about what (not who) you want in a relationship before talking to him. That way, if you decide that monogamy is vital and that he can’t commit, you’ll know that it’s time for an amicable parting. Take care not to allow your need for security to interfere in the conversation or you’ll be indirect, thereby abandoning yourself for fear of losing him. Believe me, that will only exacerbate the problem.

My husband walked out on me to live with his girlfriend who has three children by three different fathers. She’s on disability (obviously not all of her is disabled, although it probably should be). My husband and I have a 4-year-old son and I’m five months pregnant. I am certain that this baby is my husband’s, even though I had sex with one of his friends once while we were separated this summer. I can’t figure out what could possibly be spiritual about my situation.

Without lab results, you can’t be certain who is the father of the baby you’re now carrying. So you, too, may have children by different men like the woman your husband is having an affair with. Take care not to disparage her further in hopes of proving that she is less than you. Instead, notice the ways in which you are alike and accept those things about yourself. That’s spiritual. So is disabling your attitude toward her. Then decide if you want to try to resurrect your marriage or to move on. You may also want to have a DNA test done in case child support becomes an issue.

Meditation of the Week

“I pray that we learn to disagree without throwing each other out of our hearts,” wrote Ken Keyes Jr. in <i>Prayer for Humanity</i>. Are you willing to give up the exhilarating emotional melodrama of hurt and danger and choose to love (yourself and others) regardless of the consequences?