Has mama got a brand new bag?
Think deeply about when intimacy first began eroding from your marriage. Intimacy is a willingness to reveal all of your innermost thoughts and feelings to another person. Sex can be a form of physical intimacy, but even spectacular sex is not enough to sustain a relationship. At some point, one partner will want more. If a person is inclined toward the call of the material world, he or she will try to fulfill that desire with greater physical pleasure (within a committed relationship or out of it) and pop culture must-haves. If the person understands that relationships are a spiritual path, he or she will engage in the personal transformation necessary to be intimate emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically with his or her partner.
Obviously such a profound level of union doesn’t contain room for privacy. Perhaps your wife is not ready to admit to herself that she is attracted to women sexually. So admitting it to you would be impossible right now. But it seems more likely that she wants freedom to explore her attraction while maintaining her security. How does this impact the sacred contract that you established through marriage?
The threat you feel could be a signal of betrayal. Have you also betrayed yourself? You used her anger as an excuse to silence yourself. Are you also walking on eggshells, afraid of pissing her off or losing her? If so, you are not behaving as an equal partner in the relationship. I also wonder why you continued to spy on her. Was there a thrill for you in the experience? Have you ever fantasized about being with two women but expected it to look different?
Talk to your wife about attending counseling together to work on your relationship. If she won’t go, go without her. You deserve consistent support through this experience, for your sake and for your sons.