Poly want a turkey
A local comic imagines the outcome of bringing multiple partners to Thanksgiving
SCENE: Thanksgiving Day. JAYMA, after rehearsing with her therapist, decides it’s time to live out loud this holiday season and finally come out to her family as polyamorous. At the family home in Land Park, a group of five people in their late 20s arrive carrying a Tofurkey and quinoa salad.
JAYMA: Hey fam! Let me introduce you to my sweetheart, my boofriend, my loverbear and my life partner.
MOM: Honey, since when is your sister your life partner?
JAYMA: It’s platonic, but we’re going to be together five-ever, right sis?
MOM: I thought you were bi, not poly.
JAYMA: The two aren’t mutually exclusive, but now that you mention it, I’m only attracted to people who don’t participate in the gender binary, so I’m actually identifying as non-bi now.
Deafening sound of silverware achieves its full potential.
JAYMA: I’m just saying, I think that people who opt out of the gender binary are leading the way in dismantling the patriarchy.
BROTHER: And in making people feel awkward. It’s not our fault we were raised in the California education system and don’t know what a pronoun is.
DAD: Not me, I’m a pro at nouns.
MOM: Well, when are you all going to have children? Would it kill you to make me a grandma before I die?
LOVERBEAR: Maybe if I wasn’t so sure our planet is going to die first.
MOM: Well, anyway, let’s focus on the meaning of the holiday. I was going to give a speech on what I’m thankful for, but I’m drawing a blank at this exact moment.
BOOFRIEND: You know, a lot of people say that Thanksgiving is a secular holiday, but it actually celebrates the white man’s religious zeal for colonization, so I think it’s up for debate.
SWEETHEART: Personally, I’m thankful to have transcended our society’s antiquated relationship paradigm and be here with all of you today.
BROTHER Googles “antiquated” and “paradigm” while the adorable foursome plays footsies under the dinner table, like a game of Twister. DAD struggles to carve the Tofurkey; MOM pours another glass of wine. SISTER stares off, despondent, remembering when her coming out as gay was the most interesting thing happening at the dinner table. She hoards the dinner rolls.
SISTER: If we’re not full on thanks, let’s at least get full on carbs. Happy Thanksgiving?
Check the Related Stories box above for SN&R’s additional tips for surviving the holiday season.