Piranha 3-D

Rated 4.0

OK, so it’s spring break at some desert lake, into which a recent underwater earthquake has disgorged a shit-ton of prehistoric fish. The fish have an appetite for human flesh, and boy, are they in luck. Elisabeth Shue is the town sheriff, Adam Scott is a visiting geologist, and Jerry O’Connell is a soft-porn auteur who, like the fish, recognizes an opportunity. In fact, O’Connell’s character is so much like the creator of Girls Gone Wild that the creator of Girls Gone Wild has taken legal action. Maybe Piranha 3-D runs a little short on, um, character development. And maybe it takes a smidge too long setting itself up. But so much of the sick fun is in waiting for the hell to break loose. Because when it does, it really does. It’s like D-Day. With tits. Some details (no, not spoilers; this movie is unspoilable): Bodies get gnawed into nubs, cut in half. A penis gets fought over, gobbled, barfed back up. One girl gets her whole face pulled off—and not even by a piranha! There are supporting roles for Richard Dreyfuss, Ving Rhames and Christopher Lloyd! Scott has said on Twitter that if you feel ripped off by Piranha 3-D, he will come to your house and act out his scenes for you. If you’re still not sure, start with Funny or Die promo video in which he and his castmates make the case for Oscar consideration in various categories.