New sex rules

School House Raunch: Like any lawmaker, Bites doesn’t actually read legislative bills. But one by Assemblyman Dennis Mountjoy, R-Monrovia, seemed like a good reason to make an exception.

Mountjoy’s Assembly Bill 349 would add restrictions on how schools teach sex ed. Right now, parents can pull their kids out of it. Mountjoy’s bill would prohibit certain sex ed for kids in kindergarten through sixth grade, along with requiring schools to notify parents and get their approval before telling kids in seventh through 12th grades about some birds and various bees.

Mountjoy lays on the regulation pretty thick for a Republican. The bill says schools must notify parents “no more than 15 days and no less than 10 days in advance” of any sexy instruction and get approval for each day of teaching by sending a permission slip with the title of the request printed “in boldface and no less than 16 point type.”

The best part is where the bill enumerates what needs approval: “bestiality, bisexuality, cunnilingus, domestic partnerships, fellatio, homosexuality, lesbianism, masochism, masturbation, necrophilia, orgies, pederasty, pedophilia, sadism, sodomy, transsexuality, transgenderism, or transvestitism.”

Sounds like quite a party.

Presumably, that means schools can’t let students read the bill without permission, much less break out a banana and a condom.

A.B. 349 was referred last week to the Assembly Education Committee, chaired by none other than Assemblywoman Jackie Goldberg, D-Los Angeles, the liberal lesbian who often plays nemesis to conservative Bible boy Mountjoy. For those who only catch one hearing a year, this seems like a good one to attend.

1984, knockin’ on your door: Just when Bites is about to make that most crucial decision of modern American life—cable or satellite?—along comes the Pentagon’s announcement that the Dish Network will now be carrying its 24-hour “news” channel. “Less than a year after its May 14 debut,” enthused the American Forces Press Service last month, “the Pentagon Channel is taking to the stars.”

The good news is that even those of us who still rely on earthbound television connections can watch the Pentagon Channel via the Internet. Bites tuned in recently to hear a soldier talking about how “warm and fuzzy” and “like family” a medical facility is, as the story cut to video footage of a G.I. being taught to walk on one leg.

The site also boasts lots of archived programs. Regular features include Studio Five, a chat show featuring Department of Defense leaders, and Saving Lives, which extols the virtues of QuikClot (so effective it has to be carefully rationed!) and full metal jackets (“thanks to better body armor and improvements in casualty care, the conflict in Iraq claims the highest survival rate of all modern wars”). Plus, you get 24-hour coverage of the latest photo ops by Donald Rumsfeld, George W. Bush and the rest of the Operation Enduring Freedom dream team.

The bad news is that none of these archived clips actually worked on Bites’ multiple visits to the Web site. That meant settling for the Pentagon Channel’s live stream. “When I hear the jet,” explained one soldier, “I hear the sound of freedom.” And so on.

It was not long afterward that Bites slipped into a troubled sleep, during which a voice kept repeating something about how we’ve always been at war with Eurasia. But that was just a dream …

Arnie gets in on the act: And just in case you thought the feds were starting to out-propagandize our own Governator here at home, fear not. On Monday, the Los Angeles Times reported that as many as 18 California stations have aired a “mock news story” created by Arnold Schwarzenegger at taxpayer expense. Part of the governor’s drive to end mandatory lunch breaks, the video’s narrator promises workers will finally be able to “eat when they are hungry, and not when the government tells them.” What the administration’s fake news story doesn’t tell you is that it will keep workers from suing employers because of missed meal breaks. But hey, this way you’ll be able to eat when you’re hungry. Really hungry.