Memos from K.J.'s camp and the Family Research Council

Bites woke up on Sunday, Father ‘s Day, with a bittersweet feeling.

Sweet because there was Bites’ loving family, Mrs. Bites and Bits and his scampy little brother Nibbles, all gathered around the breakfast table. Sweet because they’d already promised to let the old man do as he pleased that day, possibly including a rare book and snooze session on the couch after lunch.

But it was bitter also. Bitter because of the dire warning Bites had just come across, a newspaper advertisement, paid for by the Family Research Council reading, “Enjoy this Father’s Day … It might be your last.”

Yep, in a little less than 24 hours, men were going to be marrying men in California, ditto for women and women. The Invisible Sky Friend (apologies to Richard Dawkins) would be furious—and even Bites’ own “traditional” marriage was now in mortal peril.

Sure enough, by Tuesday morning, all hell had broken loose. Dogs were running wild in the streets. So were babies. Lawns had turned brown overnight. Screams of recrimination and disgust filled the air. All around were the sounds of Ikea furniture being kicked to pieces and the squeals of SUV tires peeling out of driveways. These were the sounds of marriages dissolving all around Bites’ neighborhood. “Oh, Family Research Council,” Bites thought then, “why did we not we heed your warnings?” Then the frogs began to fall from the sky.

Speaking of paranoid fantasies: Bites is not out to get you, Kevin Johnson. Neither, really, is the rest of “the media.”

The Kevin Johnson campaign sent out a curious memo last week, addressed to “Members of the Sacramento Media” and warning the press to drop coverage of the various allegations against K.J.

The memo, from campaign consultant David Townsend, claimed that a report to City Council from Sacramento Police Chief Rick Braziel “confirms everything that the Johnson campaign has been saying,” and that “continued reference to these allegations after this information is public can now only be construed as an effort to wrongfully discredit Johnson and continue this smear campaign.”

Funny, Bites had always construed it as reporters doing their jobs.

K.J. prefers the kind of top-notch reporting you get in the Sacramento Union. Here’s an excerpt from the lede of one profile. “'I feel as if I already know you,’ said Johnson with an engaging smile. ‘I read your column every week.'” Yeah, good stuff, Katy Grimes.

In fact, neither Townsend’s memo nor Chief Braziel’s memo address the one thing, the one inescapably weird and troubling thing, that prompted Bites to report on the Sac High allegations in the first place: That Kevin Johnson’s personal lawyer intervened and held a meeting with the girl long before the police did.

Here’s the thing, K.J. It was your own behavior that raised these red flags. Bites isn’t surprised that you’re offended. Bites would be, too. But if you’re elected and decide to hold a grudge, losing access to any elected official doesn’t outweigh the local media’s responsibility to raise questions and tell the truth.

Bites didn’t tell your lawyer to go make contact with a student who was made uncomfortable by your touch and who reported it to a teacher. You can’t lay everything off on “the media.”

Besides, Bites already has its own lifetime of lame and stupid behavior to take responsibility for come judgment day—or Election Day, as the case may be. Memo to Bites’ district Councilwoman Lauren Hammond and members of the media, especially Terri Hardy: From now on, that whole drunken art-heist thing is officially off limits. Any future reference to it can only be construed as part of smear campaign. No charges were ever assessed towards Bites!