Girl Scout cookies encourage rise of feminazi socialist indoctrination

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A few weeks ago, while out at an all-ages music show, I found myself accosted by a swarming mass of little girls.

OK, there were actually only two of them, but right away I could tell they were up to no good.

Maybe it was their smugly happy little faces. Maybe it was the impish pigtails. Maybe it was the clipboard with its Girl Scout cookie order form hawking this year’s cash crop: Savannah Smiles. Tagalongs. Caramel deLites. Thin Mints.

Oh my god, the Thin Mints—a gateway drug to extremist, radicalized organizing if ever there was one.

I don’t know what came over me—fear, self-loathing, brainwashing—but I signed up for four boxes right there on the spot. And, as those two preteen rabble-rousers walked away, congratulating one another, I felt the cold thrill of terror course through my veins.

The Girls Scouts of America, after all, share a “close strategic affiliation with Planned Parenthood” and are, clearly, a propaganda tool for all those wack-job liberals who are looking to indoctrinate millions of little girls into a lifetime of slutty sex, man-hating political equality and free abortions for all.

Or so thinks Bob Morris, a Republican state representative from Fort Wayne, Indiana, who recently refused to sign a state house resolution that recognized the Girl Scouts of America’s 100th anniversary.

“I did a small amount of web-based research, and what I found is disturbing,” Morris wrote in an open letter to his colleagues that outlined his beef with the youth organization. “The Girl Scouts of America and their worldwide partner, World Association of Girl Guides and Girl Scouts (WAGGGS), have entered into a close strategic affiliation with Planned Parenthood. You will not find evidence of this on the GSA/WAGGGS website—in fact, the websites of these two organizations explicitly deny funding Planned Parenthood.”

Morris, intrepid search-engine wiz that he is, however, uncovered the truth:

“[Evidence] proves that the agenda of Planned Parenthood includes sexualizing young girls through the Girl Scouts, which is quickly becoming a tactical arm of Planned Parenthood.”

Specifically, Morris says, a Girl Scouts training program that used a Planned Parenthood sex-education pamphlet titled “Happy, Healthy, and Hot,” is all the proof you’ll ever need that the Girl Scouts are trying to get your daughters knocked up.

Rep. Morris eventually apologized for his remarks.

“I realize now that my words were emotional, reactionary and inflammatory,” he said in a statement in which he praised the organization’s promotion of leadership and community involvement.


Don’t back down in the face of controversy now, Morris. After all, we’re talking about the same organization that allowed a 7-year-old transgender boy to join its ranks because she identified as a girl.

It’s the Girl Scouts, people—not the Transgender Scouts.

What’s next? Teaching the impressionable young women of our country what it means to be in control of one’s body, to be in charge of one’s financial future, to possess compassion and empathy?

Little socialist brats, all of ’em, I tell you.

If we don’t act now—if we don’t stop buying their damn cookies—these tiny knee-sock adorned sprites will grow up to be feminazis, intent on spreading a party line that espouses the joys of hedonistic, soulless sex and baby killing.

Or they could just grow up to be self-confident, self-aware and self-sufficient businesswomen, teachers, doctors, teachers, artists and philanthropists.

Which, perhaps in the eyes of certain conservative political groups, is just as bad.