Future schlock

In which the writer stares deeply into a somewhat cloudy crystal ball

Since I’ve spent most of the past couple of weeks combing through the events of the past decade, I now feel compelled to peer into the future and predict what I believe will be 2010’s top stories and events. Such predictions are fraught with inaccuracy, so remember, this isn’t what the future will be, but an educated guess at what it might be. So, without further ado, here are my prognostications for the coming year.

The fire down below: Exploding condoms, inspired by Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the alleged terrorist whose crotch burst into flames on Northwest Airlines Flight 253 during its approach to Detroit on Christmas Day, come into vogue in early January. Credit for the latest fad in personal protection goes to Al Qaeda in Yemen, which filled a rubber with 80 grams of high explosives and sewed it into the fledgling terrorist’s underwear. While the new birth-control device doesn’t necessarily provide for the safest sex around, studies have shown it reduces the chance of unwanted pregnancy and contracting the HIV virus 100 percent after just one use. The condoms are already being marketed under the brand name Yumpin’ Yemeni.

Apple rolls out new product line: Once again, Apple CEO Steve Jobs will take advantage of the company’s annual January expo to stun the tech world with a series of new personal computing devices. First, there’s the long-awaited iPad, Apple’s version of the notebook. Then there’s the iPatch, a miniature computer you wear over your eye like a pirate. Finally, there’s the iWipe, which consists of a wafer-thin microprocessor sandwiched between two squeezably soft touch-screen panels. Pull a sheet off the roll, and heat in your hands activates the processor, which automatically connects to the Internet, providing the user with much-needed reading material. Simply flush when you’re done doing your business. One Apple test subject claims he now has the smartest asshole on the planet.

Alternative-fueled vehicles: In March, a UC Davis engineer ends America’s dependence on Middle East oil forever with the release of his latest invention, the aptly named Wee, an automobile that runs entirely on human urine. Shortly afterward, California installs catch basins in all public restrooms to conserve the precious new resource.

The strong mayor cometh: Against all expectations, Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson’s initiative to grant himself omniscient powers is passed by a large margin. Johnson is immediately challenged to a five-round cage fight by the California Kid, former World Extreme Cagefighting champion and Sacramento resident Urijah Faber. In the opening seconds of the first round, Faber knocks K.J. to the ground with a vicious roundhouse kick, then places him in the dreaded guillotine hold, forcing the mayor to submit and ponder whether entering politics was a good idea after all.

Return of the draft: On June 30, Congress and President Barack Obama restore the draft. On July 1, faced with widespread protests, Congress and the president pull all U.S. troops out of Afghanistan and Iraq and cut off military aid to the Middle East, including Israel, Egypt and Saudi Arabia. Faced with no other choice, Israelis and Arabs negotiate a lasting peace after six decades of bloodshed. On July 2, the draft is subsequently rescinded, and we all live happily every after.

Ted Nugent comes clean: After a lengthy hiatus while recovering from an emergency hysterectomy, Double Live Gonzo! guitarist Ted Nugent shocks the rocking world in September by announcing he is, in fact, an African-American lesbian. He apologizes for all of the disparaging remarks he made about Obama in the previous year, explaining that he was psychologically projecting his own inadequacies upon the president. He also repudiates every album he’s cut since Free-for-All.

November surprise: How could he have known it was going to rain like crazy all year, ending the drought? Despondent over the failure of his multibillion-dollar peripheral canal boondoggle at the polls, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, in his last year in office, unilaterally extends his term to the year 2020, thus ensuring that the coming decade will be known as the “Terrible Teens,” at least in California.