Dementor or demented

The next Jabba the Hutt?

The next Jabba the Hutt?

I have often stated that, because of the Star Wars prequels and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, George Lucas is officially dead to me. However, it appears that no one is ever officially dead to Lucas, especially in light of a recent report that he’s been quietly purchasing the film rights to deceased actors with the intent of reanimating them in CGI form.

Beyond the questions of grave robbery and bad taste that this is sure to raise, there is the sobering realization that Lucas can’t even direct live actors, much less dead greats. Luckily, I’m here to provide the purely speculative answers to all of the questions that no one is asking for what should be patently obvious reasons.

Has George Lucas turned into a Dementor?

It’s tempting to say “yes” based only on a cursory examination of the facts, but let’s look a little closer. Compulsive soul sucking? Check. Ritual feeding on human misery? Check. Zealously guarding a prison of their own design? Check. Shabby wardrobe? Check. Nailed Linda Ronstadt? Advantage: Lucas. Let’s just call it a maybe and move on.

What celebs have already had their souls “purchased” by Lucas?

Nobody knows for sure, but logic dictates that the most likely candidates are deceased actors who left a messy estate and fractious, pissed-off heirs more than willing to pawn off their legacies. Thus, it shouldn’t surprise anyone if Marlon Brando shows up as Jabba the Hutt in the next special-edition defilement of Return of the Jedi.

Would Lucas consider using this technology to bring Harrison Ford back to life?

Oh, I kid, Lucas, but only because he’s dead to me.

And we’re certain that Lucas hasn’t turned into a Dementor?

This interview is over!