Critic-speak deciphered

Film critics have their own unique form of language, mostly synonyms either for “execrable” or “Kubrickian” (or both, as with 1972’s “poo-brickian” Silent Running). Critic-speak can be hopelessly muddled and difficult to decipher, but if you read between the lines, you’ll find out more about the life and mind of a film critic than you ever wanted to know. These are rough translations of some common Critic-speak phrases:

Critic-speak: “The narrative lags considerably in the second act.”
Translation: “I ducked out to play Guitar Hero for half an hour.”

Critic-speak: “This is the kind of picture where you take off your critics’ hat, grab your box of popcorn, and enjoy some dumb summer fun.”
Translation: “Anything that keeps me from having to read subtitles.”

Critic-speak: “I’m starting to get really excited about The Avengers.”
Translation: “I was thrown in the trash can a lot in junior high.”

Critic-speak: “Rachel Bilson gives an Oscar-worthy performance.”
Translation: “My name will wind up next to Mark S. Allen’s in a ‘quote whores’ lawsuit someday.”

Critic-speak: “Cinnamon Toast Crunch … it’s Cinn-sational!”
Translation: “I’m Richard Roeper, I need work.”

Critic-speak: “The rare remake that surpasses the original.”
Translation: “I never saw the original, how was it?”

Critic-speak: “Thor is the greatest superhero movie ever made!”
Translation: “I’m willing to trade in my credibility for a free trip to Comic-Con.”

Critic-speak: “It’s the slam-bang, wham-bam, punch-kick roller-coaster ride of the summer!”
Translation: “They never tested for learning disorders in my school.”