When a perfect match cheats, or when there are only bad matches
I’ve been dating a woman who is pretty much everything I’ve ever wanted. The relationship has been progressing the way a relationship should. We live in different cities, but that hasn’t stopped us from spending as much time together as our fairly consuming careers allow. But the other night I saw her walking down the street with a man (we’re both women), completely entangled, kissing—the whole thing. I pulled my car over, tried to call, saw her reach for her phone, look at the screen and put the phone back in her bag. I took a photo. When I confronted her, she says it wasn’t her. Am I crazy?
Love, or rather the infatuation phase of it, can spin us giddily off-balance. Your mind may too often drift into worries that your relationship is too good to be true. Whenever we’re struggling with the truth, the real issue is trust. Is it difficult to trust that genuine love has come your way? If you have been betrayed before, as most of us have, it’s easy to slip into self-protection even when it’s unnecessary. The mind can conjure story lines and images that align with any outcome, including seeing oneself as a victim. The mind prefer to settle on whatever might confirm what we already believe.
Of course, your girlfriend could be cheating. You asked her whether she was with someone else, and she said, “no.” If she is an honest person by nature, don’t undermine the relationship with more questions. Examine yourself instead. Are you cheating yourself of love by clinging to suspicions? Do those suspicions improve your life or cause distress? Those are the questions you must answer for yourself. Doing so will determine how you proceed, and what kind of person you want to be in this messy, beautiful human life.
My suggestion is to seek balance. Love and care for yourself as you do her. Make love the center of your life, but don’t make her or your relationship the center. See friends, enjoy solitude and turn dreams into goals into reality. Build the internal infrastructure that allows you to stay grounded. That way, you’re better equipped to face things you can’t control, like a future you can’t yet see.
I’m an attractive 28-year-old professional woman with a master’s degree. The only guys who ask me out are socially awkward and unable to hold a decent conversation for longer than 20 minutes. Why am I attracting guys like this and how can I fix it?
Easy-peasy, stop thinking people can be fixed. You’re attracting men who your subconscious categorizes as needing improvement. Your personal obsession with improvement attracts men who appreciate who you are, what you have achieved and who are probably open to improvement.
Are you willing to appreciate who they are, what they have achieved and be open to shedding your judgment? You don’t have to date these men but do accept them as enough. Embrace yourself as enough, too. When you do, it will change everything.