Christ on a crutch
Satanic conspiracy sidelines Jesus as demonic Steelers make Kurt Warner their bitch
Shortly after the Pittsburgh Steelers’ 27-23 victory over the Arizona Cardinals in last Sunday’s Super Bowl, an anonymous NBC Sports whistle-blower revealed that network executives, in a backroom deal with the Obama administration, NFL officials and the Prince of Darkness, agreed to strike the name “Jesus Christ” from the entire 10-hour broadcast.
“We can’t have Phoenix Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner genuflecting to his imaginary sky friend on national TV every time one of his receivers catches a pass,” a visibly annoyed Satan is said to have fumed. Faced with eternal damnation, the president, the league and the network had no choice but to meet Beelzebub’s demands, according to the anonymous whistle-blower.
In 1998, Warner was toiling as a part-time grocery-store clerk when he was touched by the hand of Jesus. The next year, he miraculously led the St. Louis Rams to the Super Bowl. He has since become the league’s most outspoken Christian.
Speculation that this year’s game might become a final showdown between good and evil—know biblically as “Armageddon”—began after the Cardinals defeated the Philadelphia Eagles in the NFC Championship Game and Warner openly praised Jesus Christ for the victory in a post-game interview with Fox Sports commentator and fellow evangelical Terry Bradshaw.
Lucifer’s agents sprang into action immediately after the game, the whistle-blower said, filing protests with the league and the network. The Obama administration, already in hot water downstairs because of evangelical pastor Rick Warren’s inauguration appearance, brooked the Mephistophelean compromise between the parties: There would be no mention of the Nazarene during the Super Bowl, not even in the president’s special address to the country.
Signs that the network was sidelining Jesus came early during the five-hour pre-game show. A profile of Warner eschewed the subject of J.C. entirely. Another profile on former Cardinal Pat Tillman, who left his football career to join the Army Rangers only to be killed by friendly fire in Afghanistan, failed to mention the fallen soldier’s devout belief in Christ.
Obama’s interview with NBC’s Matt Lauer was telling. “I love Kurt Warner’s story,” the president said, just as the network mysteriously lost its audio feed. When the sound came back on, Obama explained he was supporting the Steelers because owner Dan Rooney had contributed a lot of money—the root of all evil—to his presidential campaign.
The devil’s handiwork was also seen during the pre-game show when Journey vocalist Steve Perry was reincarnated as a 42-year-old Filipino transvestite.
By the time U.S. Central Command commander and avowed Satanist Gen. David Petraeus tossed the coin to start the game, the outcome was a foregone conclusion, the whistle-blower contends. League officials were under strict orders to penalize the Cardinals if they took the lead; Steelers middle linebacker and Candarian demon James Harrison was given carte blanche to make various Cardinals, including Warner, “his bitches.” The strategy worked well until the third quarter, when cameras inadvertently caught Harrison punking Cardinals safety Aaron Francisco.
By the time Jesus got back in the game, it was too late.
“That’s one more win for Satan!” cheered Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, who is rumored to have sold his soul after a near-fatal motorcycle accident two years ago.
NFL fans, Las Vegas oddsmakers and the nation’s evangelical community were quick to express outrage at the whistle-blower’s report. “In the rough-and-tumble world of professional sports, athletes need all the support they can get,” said one local evangelical, who asked that his name not be used. “It shouldn’t matter if that help comes from above or below.”
Nevertheless, Jesus Christ and professional sports have always been reluctant teammates. The tension dates back to the late 1970s, when Rollen Frederick Stewart, a.k.a. Rainbow Man, began appearing at major sporting events wearing an afro-style rainbow wig while holding up a “John 3:16” placard. Rollen is currently serving three consecutive life sentences for kidnapping at Mule Creek State Prison in Ione and was not available for comment.