Never toked up? Full of questions? Don’t trust online dope-smoking sites, where you’ll be lost in the overwhelming flood of pink, virgin lungs fairly bursting with questions about how to roll ’em, smoke ’em and get away with it? Well then you need to ask the Weedwhacker, SN&R’s own dope—or is that dopey?—expert. The Weedwhacker smoked—and smoked and smoked and smoked—and then spent a decade booking people who got caught smoking. Check out these FAQs that our resident ex-stoner-slash-ex-cop assembled for readers who need to know before they blow.

Is it true that if you smoke from a bong, your parents won’t be able to tell that you’ve been smoking?

Yes, if your parents are visually impaired, suffer from anosmia (the loss of the sense of smell), don’t pay any attention to you at all and didn’t spend their adolescence in a public high school.

Dude. Get real.

No matter how you smoke it, you’ll need a rolled-up towel under the door, a fan to blow the rancid smoke out the window and a few sticks of incense to cover the remaining pungent, herbalicious odor. And don’t even get me started on the stale bong-water smell—that rancid, lunch-losing, moldy-damp reek that emanates from the carpet pad in campus rentals and from the back seat of stoner-mobiles because everybody spills the bong water when they’re high, doofus.

You’ll also need Visine (gets the red-eye out) and plastic, air-tight bags to seal your clothes in. Oh, and if they’re not visually impaired—dude, do you think they don’t know what that green, leafy thing on your new key chain means?

If you’re high, can you still feel pain?

Let me hit you with this baseball bat and we’ll find out!

Marijuana has a mild analgesic (pain-relieving) effect, so whatever hurts will hurt less when you’re stoned. But it will still hurt. And if you do stupid shit and hurt yourself while you’re stoned, it will hurt even worse once the buzz wears off and your friends are all laughing at how you were so stoned you didn’t even know you were doing whatever stupid, painful thing you were doing.

Isn’t smoking weed a rite-of-passage kind of thing?

Absolutely. So is getting laid on prom night. But, just like sex in the back seat of a very cramped but awesome Camaro, smoking pot has consequences.

No, you can’t get pregnant from smoking marijuana, unless you get so high that you forget to wrap that rascal.

But if you get busted for pot, you can kiss any kind of federally funded financial aid for college buh-bye. Well, actually, you won’t get close enough to kiss it. The feds take that whacky tobacky very seriously. Even if the dope conviction is a misdemeanor—as most possession raps are in California—you can’t get a student loan, scholarship or grant through a federal program.

Dude, you’re gonna have to sell a lot of weed to pay for college.

—as told to Kel Munger