Who says the rapture didn’t happen?
Well, I, for one, was slightly disappointed that the Rapture didn’t go down. For one thing, it would have really fired up the old weekend news cycle to have millions of people just floating off into the sky, their pilotless cars careening all over the roads, slamming into the vehicles of sinners who would suddenly have to go into a truly frantic dodge and swerve mode to survive. I wonder if those of us left behind would have actually seen anything—Christian friends waving to us as they floated off? Christian friends flipping us off as they sailed skyward? Colored vapor trails as souls departed? Absolutely nothing?
Or did the Rapture actually take place, but since only 23 people were chosen for the Heavenly Ticket (since Jesus does have standards, it turns out), their disappearance went unnoticed?
What’s amazing about this story, in retrospect, is that anybody paid any attention to this joker in Oakland in the first place. I mean, come on, don’t you need a little something more these days to get on the news than just another ho-hum Rapture prediction? I mean, fercrissake, I’m 58 years old, and I think this was my 13th busted Rapture call. Something like that. I’ve lost count, to tell the truth. All I know is crackpot Christian ministers have shredded every last ounce of their cred, if they had any to begin with. At least the money’s good in that racket. I’m guessing the good Rev. Camping will be able to pay cash for his new Sedan de Ville.
Another pleasant upside to last Saturday’s Rapture, if it had happened, would have been the instant departure of a whole lot of—and let’s not shy away from this—some truly annoying know-it-alls. I keep thinking that Nature will control our numbers via some new kind of killer disease or something. Maybe Pakistani nukes that fall into the wrong hands. But I’ve totally overlooked the Rapture Effect as a boffo means of quick population control. Check it out. It’s estimated that 75 percent of Americans are Christian. That’s 75 percent in a country of 300 million. Now, granted, a lot of folks in that 75 percent are bogus, as in jive weakass Trump-like Christians who only go to church on Christmas/Easter. So let’s say Jesus only allows the Truly Born Again on the Rapture Express, say, 20 percent of America. That means 60 million men, women and kids gone in a flash. Bingo! No jobs problem! In the space of a day, the unemployment rate goes to zero. Team Obama smells landslide!
Of course, there would be plagues of locusts and frogs and stuff, so that’d be a hassle. And then there’ll be all those legions of Satan tromping around, and who knows what nastiness they’ll be slingin’, but hey, with the death of bin Laden, we need some new boogeymen to occupy the national mindset.